List Of Things I Hate About Michael

This is a list of things I wrote to prevent me from getting back together with him.

• smoking
• smoking pot
• made me drive everywhere
• didn’t call or text me enough
• never visited or got to know my family
• cost me a lot a lot of money
• made me feel like shit for being myself
• never planned a big event together
• he wasted my days away
• got angry at me quickly
• never took the time to understand my culture
• was too rough in wrestling with me and gave me bruises
• never wanted to do anything I planned
• always put me down with comments
• never took the effort cheer me up when I am down
• he set me behind in my life plans
• he tried to take me away from everything I loved
• first person to call me a bitch
• most of the people he hung out with were scary bums
• does not know what he wants in life
• has extremely poor comprehension skills
• never follows through with plans
• has stood me up on multiple occasions
• he killed my lungs and body through smoking and pills
• embarrassed me at work with love markings
• he always messes up my makeup
• purposely smeared my makeup
• made me look like a fool at work
• he always chooses to eat unhealthy foods
• he puts me in unsafe situations
• he steals

Right now I am depressed and I can’t get anything done even though I know I have a million and one things to do. I am so upset from today and yesterday that the words my mother and sometimes my father chooses to describe me as can be really hurtful.

Yesterday my dad called me lazy because I got up at the last second to meet my study group at school but I was late only because I couldn’t find food. Personally I think that I wasn’t even lazy because I am on my way to school and I woke up at nine to get there at ten. Before I left I couldn’t find anything to eat and I didn’t have any time to cook anything. There was no more instant college student food (i.e. hot pockets, banana) and I bolted out the door to make it to my study group. I was bitching about how there is no food, all the fruit is rotten and how hungry/pissed off I was. Thankfully my dad apologized about saying I was lazy.

Because of the lack of listening in this house hold she brought me food to work when I wasn’t even there and I was irritated she didn’t bring me more food than she did. My mom is just a hopeless hopeless woman who is very inconsiderate and obviously does not care about me even though she really truly convinces herself that she does in her head. [I know this is a run-on sentence]

I am going to summarize now because I am getting fed up with this topic. My dad had a talk with me today saying that I am a lying and dishonest person for stupid reasons. I obviously got upset. I went into my mom’s room a little later and I asked her about something I overheard a few days ago. I heard her say quietly downstairs that I am a sneaky person. When I asked her what she meant by that she said that I  asked for account information to one of my bank accounts because she ASSUMED I was going to access it and withdraw money from it.

People, stop being asses, don’t you know assuming makes an ass out of you and me? This is so grade-school.

My final words are, out of all the people to say negative things to me are coming from the people who are closest to me. I am so irritated that this house brings out the worse in me and I am so depressed right now. I can’t find the will to do anything and I have so much things to do. I hate being misunderstood. I hate how people find all the worst things to say about me. It hurts my feelings and I am at the point where I just don’t give a shit. I don’t need YOUR words to validate me.

I am really tired and I can’t wait for this quarter to end. On the lighter note, I’ve been inspired. Recently I have just been inspired by the idea that if you work hard you can get somewhere. I know this does not happen for everyone and in this economy you need a bit of luck and planning. I feel very fortunate to grow up with my circumstances despite my short-comings. I feel that if I just keep learning, improving and listening I can get somewhere in life. I hope I am making sense, I did say I was quite tired.

This quarter is almost over and I pray pray pray for good grades. I did study for good grades too just in case you were wondering. I realized when it comes to continuing education, it always continues. Education is like a snowball effect the more you build up the more impressive you are and the more damage you can make. I hope that when I am older I can have an epic legacy of all my accomplishments. I do not want anything to get in my way of becoming successful.

I found that within my short lifespan that the only thing that really gets in the way of me achieving what I want is my family, friends, boyfriends and sometimes myself. I feel that I have become a better person by each progressing year but I feel that I might face a wall again.

Like I said before, I am really torn whether I should move in with my boyfriend or not. No worries though I am hopefully going to see him tonight to talk about my concerns. I don’t want him nor anyone to hold me back every again from my progress to be successful. I remember my ex-boyfriend Jerry was one of the people whom I felt was a contributor to weighing me down and I don’t want to feel that way again. I like feeling weightless, for the most part.

What I want to talk to him about is what it takes to be successful and what separates people in society from being accomplished. He does not realize this yet but he is coming up to a wall that I’m unsure he wants torn down or not. Unfortunately he is a pot smoker and I feel that even if they were to legalize marijuana, it would still be wrong and disgusting like smoking cigarettes. As far as I am concerned I will not tolerate a pot smoker especially if I were to be sharing a living space with him. When it comes to jobs of somewhat importance there is a need to do frequent drug testing. If he were to continue his education to be whatever wonderful thing he wants to be, that is something that will hold him back. I want to see him successful and out of his stressful situations but there is only so much I can do.

I hope he chooses me over the pot, I really do.

What I know more than anything in the world is I do not want anyone from preventing me from achieving the life and the happiness that I feel I deserve due to all my hard work. I am not here to say that my life is the worst ever and I do not want to compare with anyone. I know I’m not happy and I want to be happy. I want to create a place where I can feel stable and complete in every way, “my happy place”. This is a goal that is not easy, takes carefully planning, harder work and money. I’ll get there someday and that will be the best day of my life.

I’ve been rather irritated lately about something in particular lately. I was at a happy point in my life (mentally) where I kept all my attitudes positive and there was nothing getting in my way. Recently my friend at school reminded me it was my ex-best friend’s birthday that day which happened to be October twenty-fifth. I totally forgot about her, for the most part until she brought that up and now I can’t stop thinking about her. Life was peachy-keen, as I thought and now I have been brain ninja’ed [Dane Cook]. Now my brain is exploding!!!

Since then I’ve been wondering about how she is doing in college. What is her life like now and what kind of adventures she has been on? I wonder if she ever wonders about how I am doing? Probably not.

I get so frustrated when I find myself in this position again because I know there is no use talking to that damn woman because she is exactly like my mother. You try to communicate with her and try to find a common ground to build upon a healthy relationship but they don’t even get that far. I keep reminding myself that it isn’t worth it.

I have to frequently remind myself of the times I put myself out there and I tried to communicate that I am sad or frustrated about a certain situation or something she has done to me but it doesn’t go through to her. I remember the last time I tried to be friends with her I said I will only be in a friendship with you if you promise me that you will always communicate your problems to me as they come up. I remember towards the end I tried to talk to her about listening to me more because I was frequently repeating myself over and over again but she got mad and started mocking me about not listening to her when I did. So I broke it off. I realize that sometimes she doesn’t remember what she tells who to and commonly forgets whether she tells me something or not.

Regardless, to this day I will miss playing SSBB, DDR and talking about asian drama, boys, friends and makeup with her but there is nothing I can do about it. The past is in the past and that is that.

I care too much about people so I think that is why I have a hard time letting things go [if I can avoid it] and what sucks is I know that if she were to ask me to be friends again I would accept her with open arms. I kinda dislike how forgiving I am but it is my nature.

So it’s been a while since I have updated my page. I am going to go through with getting my associates in paralegal because I seriously can’t think of anything that I would be better fitted as. The only thing that makes me really skeptical is the possibility of always working overtime all the time to meet work deadlines. I want to have a job where I work mostly eight hours a day and overtime is optional or a rare circumstance. Regardless, I figure I don’t know anything until I get one thing done and education is something that no one can take away from you and that you can always build upon.

School wise, I am in the fourth week of college taking sixteen credits while I work full time. I feel fantastic because I get to work sixteen hour shifts on Mondays and Fridays, the Fridays alternate with Saturday. I go to school on Tuesday for thirteen hours and Thursday for about eight. I have A’s in all my classes currently but I am worried about my Technical Writing class. One of our projects we have to interview someone in the field that we are working towards and I interviewed my advisor which was not allowed. Normally I wouldn’t feel guiltily but the thing is my advisor gave me really bad answers to my questions. L One of the questions I asked was “what inspired you to be a paralegal?” she answered “I was bored as a secretary so I went back to school”. She does not seem very passionate about being a paralegal and has a very pessimistic view about it. From what I understand about it, it seems like my current job (nurse’s aide) where you take a lot of bullshit and smile except for I will be getting paid a lot better. Haha!

As for my love life, I gave one last attempt to make it work which I don’t know if I should have done that or not. I gave my boyfriend what I thought would be my last letter. In the letter it described my long term goals that I had for the relationship and that I was very upset that we wouldn’t be able to achieve those goals. The highlights of the letter were when I said I do not nag without a cause and that I “nag” to keep stay on track with our relationship/life progress. I told him that he is the dreamer and I am the planner (although I tend to do both) and that he needs to realize when he says something I make it happen. Also, I explained I do not want to change him when it comes to his smoking but I get rid of things that are hurting our relationship.

The letter was successful, too successful. Now he wants to “make a future with me” he wants me to move in with him ect. The only problem I have with that is I wanted to carefully plan moving out so I wouldn’t be unstable and move back in with my parents. I want to move out once and never come back because most people do that and it is such a waste of time.

I know that I need to move out by the summer which was my original goal but I don’t think moving in with him would be the best idea. I would move in with a friend but the problem with that is either my friends have too many pets or they have kids which would be an added distraction. I don’t need those things in my life right now.

I need to talk to him soon about all these things that are running though my mind.

We write to apologize.
We ask to look past life as it goes by.
I know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly.
Please consider all things trite,
forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

If all is said and done and over,
if we don’t have to, we’re not going to.
Make the change, it’s worth the try.
What’s broken can be fixed tonight.

I am young, therefore I can change my mind as many times as I want without worrying about wasting time just as long as I am pursuing a direction I think I’ll be fine.

I was thinking one day, would it be more logical to build up my career little bits at a time or take one big leap? Which would be more logical for me? I decided that since I do have the financial resources, opportunity and the time that I should just take the big leap and get this school business over with!

I figure that it would take me about two semesters to complete medical receptionist, perhaps three in all reality. Three semesters equals about nine months, give or take and the outcome to work as a medical receptionist would be a pay increase of maybe two-three dollars starting? Ew. Medical billing and coding would take me further about three MORE semesters to complete that and my salary wouldn’t be guaranteed by much higher than that starting. (also, I will have no degree in anything) After a long long time of experience then I could get up to twenty-five dollars an hour MAYBE if people still want to hire me for that much when I get out of school. Yes yes, the economy sucks but I deal with it.

The timing for my executions couldn’t have been perfect. Shortly after applied for school my work comes out with a memo announcing a huge Medicare cut which greatly effects our facility by 17%. Our facility is highly dependent on Medicare and some of it is private pay, but seriously, who is that rich to shell out a few thousand dollars on the fly for rehab. That’s not most of America for sure.

My conclusion on my “big leap” is that I think I want to be a paralegal, or in the words of David Nomanomaya, (incorrect spelling xD) I will be a super secretary! That’s basically what they are when I think about it. I am 3/4ths of the way there and currently rocking out a 3.8 GPA. After school I will be transferred across the water to an accredited paralegal program. I will be going to school there for one or two years. I hope to rush it and make it about a year and a half or less. I need to talk to a councilor again because I do not know the more accurate time of completion.

I thought of how paralegal will start putting things together and how it is closely related it is to things I already like. I was contemplating how easily I could get minors in things relating to my job. If I were to major in something for law I could easily minor in accounting, business, communications and something in computers that I haven’t thought about yet. Oi, the joys of school and continuing education.

I think/hope I stick to this plan because I just want to know what I am best fitted for and go for it. I just want to love my job I choose and I don’t want any more of this flip-floppyness. I know that a job or a career isn’t that permanent and there will always be education to move up levels and change jobs but I want something to finish so I can be fully stable without my parents and move out already. Since I am going to school over the water I am probably going to move out alright anyways. I am sure as hell that I am not going to commute across the water every day for 15$ both ways!? Plus, there are bigger and better paying hospitals I can apply to like Children’s Hospital or something. There are only good options out there.

With all this relationship babble I realize I need to do something greater with my life. If all I complain about is about my ex-boyfriend then I lose the sight of bigger things in life that are more important than my sometimes sad attempts at love.

I’ve decided to go back to school. Just in the nick-of-time too! I didn’t go to school this quarter I would lose my military brat benefits and I would have to hunt down new health insurance but that wasn’t the push that got me to get into school again.

Michaels phone had been down for a while and he could only receive my text but he couldn’t reply to them. He told me he appreciated me keeping him informed with what’s going on even though he can’t reply. I had work this one day and I texted him around 2pm that I would be visiting him again in the evening, sometime around five or six. I told him it is such a long ways away from and that I would give him a more accurate time of visiting when it gets closer to that hour. I was really excited to see him again because the past days when I did visit him were fantastic.

I speed over there as fast as I could when I said I was on my way. The normal commute especially during the rush hour would be about fourty-five mins but I did it in twenty. ;D Anyways, when I got there he was outside and there were a lot of other guys there. When I got to him he looked up at me all sad and said I just got all your texts you sent earlier. I was… sad. Basically I hung around aimlessly for a while because they were getting ready to play a serious game of Dungeons and Dragons.

I didn’t mind what he called his “nerd moment” or whatever. I am a nerd too but I hated this “vibe”. The vibe I got in the room was a bunch of un-aspiring and uninspiring dudes smoking cigs and pot. These people are stuck, stuck in this zone of nothingness and emptiness. They take up space and air, they are physically living but spiritually dead.

I dislike this feeling so much and I am so upset that I spent my gas money to visit and I speed all the way home. The first thing I do is spend several hours on the computer calculating what is the easiest program I can get into with a good amount of money. How long is it going to take me to complete this program and would it be do-able while I am working full time? Yes, all these answers came to me in my crisis moment of the night.

I decided on the Medical Receptionist program. Expected completion date is 2-3 quarters. From there I would enter the Medical Billing & Coding program and aspire to be an intelligent coder of as many languages as this brain can handle. This way I can take it easy and make a decent amount of money for the much bigger leap in life which looks like a 2-4 year college.

I just don’t want to be a broke college student going to school while working a minimum wage job, no way! I will work on my little job from now and make sure that I can make about fifteen dollars a hour or more (which I will) while going to school and living out on my own.

I never want to be like those people I saw that day. I want my life to be filled with upbeat people who aspire to be great things. I want to live a good, honest and clean life filled with happiness and love. I didn’t see all those things that day and I will do whatever it takes to get to my “happy place”.

Michael and I have met briefly last week and hung out for two days before the work week started up again. Those were some of my two best days with him in a long time and I wish we could have had more days together similar to that. We simply went out by going on hiking adventures and playing videogames ect. He even didn’t smoke pot around me the whole time and cigs. It was incredible!

Regardless, he is showing the effort that he wants to be in a relationship with me. He is taking me seriously after I had a long talk with him but I am not sure if it’s enough.

I see a lot of problems still. Some of them gets solved and new ones come up but I suppose that is the way it goes.

The new problem right now is that he doesn’t want me to hang out with my guy friends? He said in one of our many serious talks that I need to start “acting like I am in a relationship” and stop hanging out with my guy friends. He clarified to say that he just doesn’t like the one-on-one thing (understandable). Michael feels uncomfortable with not knowing who any of my friends are and how I am very vague about where I am going, with who and for how long. These are all understandable things.

I feel that this is a sign of insecurity and immaturity because I have never had this problem with any of my past relationships. None of my boyfriends had a problem with me going out and hanging out with my guy friends at all. They know I am loyal, honest and absolutely loving within the relationship that I am in. That last thing I am not is untrustworthy and shady. I feel that if I have done something questionable or untrustworthy he could have full and entire reasoning to treat me this way. Since I am not that kind of person and I am not in this situation I feel like I am a prisoner locked up for a crime that I haven’t even thought about committing. If I were to go through with this I am going to be super depressed without my friends regardless of their genders.

I am also under the impression that I am supposed to be suppressed and unopinionated. I feel that when we hang out together it always has to be planned under his rules with his hours.  When I think of the past, I remember my attempts to plan something it never works out. It’s like he asks for my opinion that he doesn’t really want.

Perhaps it is way for him to gain control of me somehow; maybe I could be misunderstanding him? As far as I am concerned he wants me to be dependant when I am completely independent and I do not need a man. Oh life.

I hate nights like this when thoughts of you keep me up at night. I know I have so much to do early in the morning and I can’t sleep, I’m trying anyways. I am wondering if “friendship” really is the best for us. You fought for it so I gave it to you. I know when it comes down to it I am going to hate hate hate when I see another girl by your side that is not me. Someone who will replace me and go all the places that we’ve been together. Would you show her all the things you showed me? What will happen to all the things I loved that still leave lingering memories in your house. These things I know I’ve left aren’t worth a lot but they meant a lot to me. My robe which I treasured, will it be used for someone else or have you already thrown it out? I know that I still have some lingering hair bands in odd-ends of the house and in your car; perhaps you still have my red lipstick I’m missing because I still can’t find it… I am secretly wishing your holding on to these things for if I come back someday but I know this is all in my psychotic head. These is no place for me there and my items are gone. I hope you don’t return them to me either because I think it will just cause me to go insane because it will remind me of you. I don’t need this right now. I want to sleep. Which also makes me wonder… If you have found a playmate to keep you company at night or you’ve already have someone else that catches you eye that’s better than me… Ugg, my mind frequently wanders to these dark places which I know is not healthy for me. I am numb. The pain isn’t as strong as it was about a week or two and I know it will be just a while longer till the pain completely subsides. The only thing I can do is ride out this storm.

Today I broke up with my boyfriend Michael. I know I broke up with him before but I suppose this is the “official” breakup. I learned a lot from this relationship both good and bad… I am alright with it ending but it is so strange that I always finding myself holding on the possibilities. I saw in him so much potential to be something great, I really did. Perhaps it’s just all in my head and I am crazy.

I saw in him someone smart and strong. He has gone though a lot of hard times, he had dreams but (to me) the path to get to those dreams was quite blurry. When I think of him, I think of someone who is constantly undergoing a minor clusterfucks and I hoped that I could help him get to a better place in life. Like I was trying to in mine.

I am a person of dreams, visions and intense planning. I create these dreams in which I bring to reality. It’s something that I am quite good at.

What I wanted in this relationship more than anything was teamwork. I wanted to create a relationship to where each person pushes the other to become more successful. I wanted to take my weak points and make them strong and vice versa. I learned from him and I wanted him to learn from me. I wanted him to come to me and ask questions about our differences, such as, how do you manage your finances to always have money? Ect.

Money was a big problem in our relationship. What can I say, I’m a girl with my mind on my money and my money on my mind. I want to work hard now so I don’t have to later. I want to have lots of fun in my life but go through great sacrifices first to get there.

I wanted someone to work though life’s pains and pleasures with me. I wanted someone I could grow and share my love with. He wanted that too, but like I said, “the path to get to those dreams was quite blurry”. He has a destination with no way of getting there.

I love him and will always will know him as that tall, dark and sexy man who wears black that I have lost all my values and morals to. Someone who completely shattered my way of thinking and in a way I am grateful and ungrateful for it. I care about him so much but the one thing I am holding onto that’s preventing me from returning to him, was not being loved and cared for in return.

I have met his family, friends and paid attention to his interests and hobbies. He, on the other hand did not care about mine and make a pathetic attempt to getting to know my family. I know tracking down my friends and getting to meet them can be hard sometimes but he didn’t cater to my interests at all. Too many days went wasted in misery that we could have spent doing something fantastic. I planned ahead while he didn’t plan much at all. I kept in mind his interests and merged them with mine, gardening, hiking, adventures and coffee but with little success. If we did something fantastic together it was very short lived. My bliss was short lived. This relationship was short lived.

I wonder if he ever used me in this whole process. When I would look at his face I would like to think that someone so sweet as him would not be capable of doing such a thing but when I look on the actions alone without emotion, my logic says other wise? Anyways, perhaps this is the best.

I just hope that he misses me when I am gone and realize how great he had it and how easy I made his life. I am also quite bitter and will further continue this rant by saying it doesn’t get any better than me and he has taken our time for granted. His mom likes me bestest and I am not the one who needs to grow up, don’t get your shit confused. You said you “Needed a woman and not a girl” but I was so much woman that you didn’t even know how to handle me because I had my priorities, goals and shit straight. Just because I don’t sleep over in your bed does not make me any less of a woman but instead more, because I don’t sell myself short, easy or on a discount price. I value myself and take care of myself to the best of my ability and I don’t need someone to take care of me. The ex’s you’ve had in your past were nothing but girls and if you ever dare to say they were more woman than I when they couldn’t hold down a job, keep themselves clothed, sheltered and educated due to their destructive lifestyles, I would just look at you strange and say you’re really fucked up in the head.

Like I’ve said in the past” What’s the difference between a girl, woman and a lady? A girl is under age, a woman is of age, and a lady is a woman of class and that’s me.”