Recently I’ve been having problems following up on things that I’m supposed to. It’s so hard when it seems like even though I’ve taken care of four big projects I get five to rise up in it’s place. When I plan for something I can never do it because something else more urgent comes up in that place causing me to have an epic back log of things I still need to do. When will life get easier, I don’t know. I just hope I make it out here alive sometime soon.

I hate the feeling of running and rushing somewhere all the time with always something to do. When will there be a time where I can just be here without a long list of chores. Probably a long time from now…

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I’m forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I’ve got it together
I’m falling apart

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I’m getting nowhere

Recently I have started to reanalyze my life and I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I have been contemplating my progress in school (or lack thereof) and I am wondering if the world really as easy as it can be. I feel like every time I go into school I am piling on more stuff than I can handle and although my classes are strongly within passing range they all perfect which I consider a 3.8 or higher. I could take fewer classes and master them like perhaps two or take on a huge load of sixteen credits which is what I am taking now and half ass it. I hate not going through with things entirely, it bothers me but I feel pressured to run myself into the ground because I just want to graduate and get out of my life of hell here with my mother.

I feel like it would be so much simpler if I could just drop everything and run away across the water but I know my impatience would cost me greatly. I am confused between working really hard and postponing my school (which I strongly hate the thought of) or continue to stress myself out. I am starting to see that there is no reason to do this. One of these days I need to sit and just re-adjust my plans, I am getting rather frustrated. One of the other things that are not going according to plan is my car. I was hoping to get my car paid off at my two year mark but it looking like that is going to happen in maybe 3? I can’t wait that long I am so impatient. I do not want to slack on my excessive amounts of payments either but I can’t even begin to describe the frustration I feel when I see a chunk of it go to my interests. Regardless, I will suck it up and carry on but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it along the way. I can’t blame people for hindering my successes but I feel that if only my mother didn’t pressure me into buying a car I wouldn’t have taken out a loan, simple as that. Loans of any kind are horrible.

Other than money babble I’ve been thinking a lot about people and the structure of society. We live in such a cruel society and I don’t understand why people do half the things they do. I love people but that’s what I say because I am blindly optimistic. Realistically I think that this world is so horribly rude that even the few honest stories that I hear via. the news and whatnot can’t even begin to compensate for the millions of billions rude comments of gestures I see/hear on a daily basis. Doesn’t this bug anyone else? Doesn’t anyone else think like this? I think most people don’t really think about this mostly because society has dumbed down a lot of notches. Perhaps, I am too sensitive who knows? I just feel like people around me are just so rude and I have to constantly put up walls and call this the “norm” of society. This might be locational, I am not sure. Simply put I am just getting so tired of putting myself out there and going above and beyond for some friends when no one does the same in return. When someone asks me for a favor and it’s in my inconvenience now-a-days, I just tell them I don’t FEEL like doing that/helping you out sorry. This is the norm. This is not my norm and this is not how I want to treat people and this is not how I want people to treat me.

I know life is hard. It’s especially hard when it comes to thinking positively when the world around you is so negative. I try to do my best to keep an optimistic outlook even when no one around can cheer me up. Until recently I’ve been more “real” with my feelings, more expressive than I’ve ever been before and I found out by doing this I have attracted the right amount of help that I needed for my current situation. I know that even though keeping a positive outlook is great it’s not good to keep how you really feel inside.

In real life sanarios it’s hard to follow obvious and common sense advice. I remember when my brother was talking to me about making friends at school and not attracting the right friends he wants in the long run and being friends with so-so people he doesn’t care much about. I told him that he needs to drop all the friends that weigh him down so he can open himself to the people around him that truly care about him. This piece of advice is so hard to do yet so easy to say. I let concepts like this roll around in my brain a bit before I put them into action. I think of the actual process of why it is hard to just do the obvious advice, the repercussions and the desired outcome.

I figured at the point in my life I am pretty miserable and I need to do something different, heck, I had nothing to lose. The people whom I called friends or people I put all my efforts into without any acknowledgement in return were wasting my life. I spent lots of time miserably waiting around for these “friends” to call me back or to hang out with and I felt like crap because I never got anywhere with these people!

I broke away from all these people who were bringing me down and I also put the “talk is cheap” concept into play and started visiting people who are actually important to me regardless of the distance [keeping it within my state of course]. I kept putting myself out there to new people and I started to reshape the people who I called friends and I couldn’t have been happier.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been really happy hanging out with my friends and most especially my friend Hiliary. We’ve known each other for about a year or two and I’ve hung out with her before but I think with her current busy situation which was getting married, having a baby, getting a new job and moving into her first house it was hard to establish a friendship with her.

Within the past month we’ve gotten really close and I have never felt so connected to someone in my life! We have about the same outlook in life with our optimism and have almost the exact same interests. She motivates me and appreciates the same things that I do. There are no jealousy issues because we just want the best for the other person and to share what makes us happy. We’ve had multiple adventures together and out of all the adventures I’ve ever had the best ones I’ve had with her. I am really thankful I met her and I am glad we connected. We are going to have another Seattle trip here in a few weeks. We are going to go to our favorite store called Daiso together and I am going to show her a new place she has never been to before.

Our best adventure so far!

Beauty & The Beast 3D [above] | Beauty & The Beast Broadway @ The Paramount [below]

It’s not new news that I suck at math. This is a lifelong on-going process that is still on my ass. Today I saw an adviser on the college I am going to be transferring to for my associates as a paralegal. I was excited and proud of myself for all the good grades I have and everything I have accomplished so far as a working student. I know that I needed to start on my math last quarter but I was scared to re-enter my fears of failure.

We found the college and the advising center just fine, I waited my turn in line and I finally saw the adviser I was waiting for a long time to see. Everything was going just nicely I completed everything that I needed to complete in my time frame. She was writing out my classes on the transfer requirements and she asked me what classes I was taking this quarter. I told her what I was taking and threw math in there. I let her know it was a low level math that wasn’t at college level and that I have a hard time in math and I am working towards improving it.

 Automatically her attitude towards me changed. It seemed that she was personally looking down on me and that I wasn’t going to make it, or something? I don’t know but she didn’t act like she did before. She seemed to come off as a nag when she referred to my math level. I guess to put it frankly she acted like I shouldn’t be at this college but whatever. She can’t determine my success or my failures. Underestimating me has turned out to be successful for anyone at any given point in time. Regardless, even if it takes a little time I will prove her wrong.

Also, I have come to the realization that entering in the second part of my math class (math90B) may not be successful for my needs. I feel that in my class there are parts that I work really fast and efficiently but there are other parts where I am seriously lost. I need some personal tutoring, again. I will not go back to that other tutor who did not specialize in math but I will pick someone new.

I messaged the new tutor tonight and I hope to receive a response within the next few weeks. I am pretty sure this is a more effective way to get the direction I need to go. I wish I was smarter in math, among other things. I feel so stupid sometimes.

I know I have been so negative lately; I can’t help it when all my main factors in life like school, work and home are all just miserable places right now. I wish it wasn’t like that; it didn’t used to be like that.

I want to start focusing on more positive things or try to. I want to paint a picture, not literally. I used to paint pictures out for Michael about what the future would look like. I always thought it was fun to do that and also to reassure him but right now I need to reassure myself.

Let’s start.

I want to be in a position where I can fully support myself financially by myself. I would like more spending money to pursue activities like dancing and music. I want the “hustle” of work and school to be over and to be able to focus solely on my career and my leisure activities. When I work I want to be respected as a human being and to be acknowledged for my hard work and talents. When I am sick or respectfully need a vacation, I want to take time off of work without having to feel bad for calling in. I want decent benefits and work with a company that loves me at work and on paper. I would love to work effectively in a group of supportive team members and individually. Most of all I can’t wait each day for the work to end so I can go home.

When I think of what a “home” is supposed to be like I think about warm and fuzzy things. I think about coming home to someone who cares about you, who won’t yell at you or judge you and someone you can confide in about your day/what’s on your mind. Coming home to someone who can genuinely listen and keep you positive, even if you don’t feel like it. I want to be in a place where I can fully relax and unwind from my day without loud noises from the outside world, a place where I can shut myself in. It would be nice to have a place that is organized, efficient and beautiful so I can have room for everything I love to do and be appreciated for the things I create. I would like more movie/book nights where I can just relax and focus on one thing without being distracted. I want to have parties sometimes where friends can come over and we can have game nights and whatnot. I’d like a quiet place for naps. I want to stretch out by a fireplace while I read with a cup of hot chocolate or tea. A home should be (in my opinion) the best place in the world. Last but not least I want to be able to sleep with someone who genuinely loves me for who I am and is willing to accept me and help me on all my bad habits. Goodnight kisses make me really happy.  

I honestly don’t know what is wrong with my head right now. I am in school and I have everything to be happy about in life. Yet I am so uninspired to do my homework and push forward with my future goals. I think that maybe when I was with Michael and I pushed myself to my max limits for four months with the goal to move out (which was supposed to be this month) to watch it blow up in my face. It’s like I just got done with the worst war ever and I barely got out alive and now I can’t move forward until I recover. I have no time to recover though. My life is very time sensitive and big plans need to happen now now now!

I pride myself in all my hard work and providing for someone. I felt like everything I just did within the last year was all for nothing. I feel that the people around me aren’t sensitive enough to see that I need some affection. I want to have times with my friends and share a good laugh but we are all busy and all don’t have time. It seems like no one goes out of their way for me like I do for them… I don’t know.

I feel lonely perhaps but I know this is only a temporary feeling. I hope it gets better though. I am not ready for a relationship by all means. I need to get back up to speed…

I wish I knew how to be myself again.

Recently I have been experiencing an inner dislike for a particular type of people. I don’t know what to label them as but there are quite a number of them in my life and sometimes I don’t like their presence.

The people I don’t like are the people who look down on you when you’re trying your hardest to get ahead in life while they have things easily handed to them. These people expect you to achieve their definition of success, or the process of it, with obviously different circumstances.

Sanrio 1: This persons family encouraged him to quit his job so they can pay for his school with a generous spending allowance. When I was complaining about how hard work was, he suggested for me to cut down my hours (like it was no big deal). I told him that I pay for everything I own and my parents don’t help me pay for everything. My car, insurance, phone, food, ect ect are all paid for by me. I can’t financially afford to cut down my hours. Thankfully, the only thing I don’t pay for is rent. He says, “oh” but he does not fully grasp my concept. He is also trying to get with women out of his league and his standards are set higher than the moon. He is trying to get women who are already successful/rich when he himself hasn’t achieved greatness (yet). Here I am making more money than he has ever made and doing things on my own and he still doesn’t notice me (like that). I am obviously not a high enough status or whatever to be noticed. I know prettiness is not a factor because I know I am pretty. He wants the women he dates to be skinny and have long hair (which I have) but he himself is fat. What’s up with that?

Sanrio 2: This person is boasting about his 4.0 and I was simply happy by keeping my GPA over a 3.5 and all my classes over a 3.5 while working full time ect. He talks about how he could never get under a 4.0 and he works his ass off ect. He looks at my grades for my paralegal program (which are all over 3.7) and says… “oh… cool..”. I get a sympathetic congratulation, although I know he tries to not make it obvious. I would love to get a 4.0 too… but he does not work while he is going to school. He has all the time and money in the world to work his ass off on a 4.0 whereas I do not.

End rant.

Since my breakup with Michael things have gotten a lot better for me and I have slowly started seeing things from a different perspective. It was honestly really hard at first to get over him because I felt like a piece of worthless shit after everything I’ve done for him. I just wanted to be treated with love in respect I wish I didn’t let things get out of hand like they did. I wish I had time to question everything he did and back talked him like I would have normally would have done in any other relationship instead of having someone walk all over me. I hate when people take advantage of my kindness. This is how I see it…

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else and for everything you gain, you lose something else. It is about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.”

This is the perspective I choose to look at when I continue my journey through life and I realized I have more to gain this way than lose. I have so much to look forward to in my life and I don’t need someone with a negative vibe to ruin the bright future ahead of me.

When Michael and I broke up I seemed to acquire a lot of admirers confessing their undying love for me, which is fucking annoying. I have such a hard time getting rid of people who are so quick to give away their position with me when we have barely became friends. Also, I hate when people smother me with affection too soon or stalk me. I like the chase of the game, the more challenging the better. Although I also don’t like working for too long or I get burned out but I have a pretty long fuse.

Anyways, I am thankful for my sister to help me get rid of all my stalkers by helping be write very bold letters. I am still happy about that because I have so much free time to myself to do what I want. I feel like I can breathe again, for the first time in a long time. 

Well do you have some of those days
When you can’t be who you wanna be
When you just need to close your eyes
Pull the covers up so high and drift away
and sleep so soundly
and dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
and sleep so soundly

Now I feel so light
My sense of movement’s slowed
and somehow my tongue’s tied
My thoughts are shattered
and they’re making stars in the sky
and I’ve never felt so speechless
in my life

Close your eyes breathe in and out and
Drift away

It’s been almost two weeks since we broke up. I don’t understand how I could have been so attached to something that was so horribly wrong for me in every way. How come love can’t fully be understood? I find it funny that I feel so alone in this situation even though everyone has gone through this experience before. Why is it that I want you so bad. Why do I have this addiction to you, it’s unhealthy. I haven’t felt like myself in such a long time because my self esteem is so heavily damaged. I feel so panicked and insecure about my self worth. Am I even worth anything? I don’t understand how you could make me feel so useless in our relationship when I have continually pushed myself beyond my limits. I showed you and proved I loved you in every way. In the end you’ve sucked me into your own insecurities. How come I couldn’t be good enough for you when I was there every time you needed me. You had so much shit throughout your life and I was there to comfort you and love you. I stopped my life for you, I consistently put you as my #1 even before my own life, my friends and my family. I spent so much time and even more money to make sure you’d always be ok and put my needs aside. Was this not good enough? You get sick several times a month and I’m there for you but when I got hit with the flu all my friends were with me except you. You were all that I wanted and needed at that very moment. You say things like, I didn’t know you needed me but how in the hell can you say that to me when I’m never sick. Am I not worth visiting? Am I honestly just a pain in your ass hole? You didn’t even call to check up on me or made me feel better. In all honesty this waiting, wishing, hoping and praying madness is killing me. You make me run around in stupid endless circles looking like an ass for everyone to see. I can’t stand that I’ve looked like an idiot for so long. I honestly honestly think I was kept around for a good fuck because it seems to add up to the other fucked up shit you put me through. I don’t know how the hell you made me spend so much gas money just to see your ass. How the hell can you be so cruel to have me go through a fucking long sixteen hour shift at work and thirteen hour long school day to see you, fuck you and you expect me to have this bountiful burst of energy when its all said and done. Fuck that. I was fucking tired and the fact you try to force me out of your bed after a long day and especially after I used the last of my energy to make love to you is total bullshit. How dare you drive me into the ground and keep me there like a submissive bitch. I’m not submissive and I ain’t your bitch. How the fuck can you treat me like a hoe when I am the first person you dated who can actually hold down a damn job and has a future. After all my resources are fucking dry and in the hole you say I am the one who is high maintence!? Fuck you and all your demanding piece of ass shit. Fuck. Your. Shit. Fuck your life that is spinning around endlessly to no where. Fuck the fact that you killed my lungs with your damn cigarettes and your pot smoke. I hate that smell, smells like ass wipe. If your wondering why your such a broke ass those are your two main problems, not me. I don’t know why the hell I put up with all your shit and in the end I still loved you. I do not know why till this day but what I do know is this is a great example of what I don’t want. I do not want another person like you or similar to you in my life at all. My ego is just severely bruised right now because I put in my best effort to hopefully get a good result and it went to shit. I hope you find whatever the perfect piece of ass is by your standards because it honestly does not get any better than this.

Now I can sleep.
For those reading, I hope you get a good laugh because I wrote this from the bottom of my heart to get some kicks and giggles.

This will be my last recollection of my current ex. Yes we broke up again and I am just done and ready to move on. I like to vent out my total memories about him so I can finally get some rest…

We met a year ago at work around this time, around Christmas. I was working part time somewhere else and only two days at my current job so I haven’t been on weekends in a while. The first time I came back to working weekends in two months I was really in awestruck when I first saw Michael and he was the same towards me. We both felt an instant connection and we started talking to each other a little bit during our lunch breaks and down time. I will be honest when I say the more important things are to me I will be shy about even though I am generally an outgoing person. I didn’t say that I liked him at all and he found out when one of my co-workers told him without my consent.

I was embarrassed at first. He told me not to be and that he likes me too and wants to get to know me more, I was beyond thrilled. We arranged to meet outside of work on a Thursday at my favorite coffee shop. We talked a little bit, met up with my friends later and went on a walk down by the water front where he held my hand and kissed me for the first time. It was strange that everything was moving so quickly but it felt so natural. He took me to his favorite park where we were able to talk privately about life and of course, there was lots of kissing ect.

I stayed out till 6am that night and normally I would have been beaten down for that when I came home but my mom was at the Philippines at the time and my dad’s work is far away. He kept asking me if he is going too fast and he swore he is not normally like this. I swore I wasn’t normally like this either. That night I slipped into bed unnoticed but by this time it was daylight outside and I was so tired.

The next chance we met we instantly picked up where we left off, we had strong chemistry between the both of us. I had my first time, with you and I will never regret it. It was exactly what I wanted for something I knew so little about. You were very slow and gentle and nothing hurt at all. I will always remember my first time…

I remember the first place you lived; it was like a cute forest. There were plants and trees everywhere! You just bought your cats that were (at the time) just baby kittens. I loved them so much… I loved your roommate’s dogs and I was very devastated when I couldn’t say goodbye to Maxi. When I thought of your first place it gives me lots of warm memories when you snuggled me and we played computer games together. I remember the first time I lied about where I was sleeping over and the many others that followed just so I could be with you. I think my mother knew I was obviously lying but in my head the risk was all worth it. I loved your big windows that held your plants and the garden you worked on creating. I loved your black and red curtains and your warm sheets, tea and the breakfasts you made me in the morning…

I can’t remember exactly how this happened but we started showing signs of problems within our bliss in the first two months into our relationship. It wasn’t me; it was you and your insecurities. I don’t know why you were so scared then and I don’t know why you couldn’t do things rationally. We broke up, for the first time within two months. You were upset even though you’re the one who broke up with me. You also broke up with me a second time a few months after that, I was severely confused. The third time I broke up with you because I was so sick of all this confusion and your smoking. Your smoking was causing me breathing problems and I still have problems till this day. I don’t understand why you didn’t stop for me and what could make you understand that you were slowly killing me.

During this time period I was out at my grandma’s house and I honestly couldn’t enjoy myself there because my whole time was consumed in thoughts of you and how you were doing. I came back from her house and I wrote you a letter. The letter I carefully wrote and planned out and re-wrote several times so you fully understood the message I was trying to send you. I wanted to let you know that I love you and I would rather be together with you than without you. I was slowly working on plans on integrating you more into my life so you could feel a part of it and painted you a picture of how our future would look together. As I have written before the letter was successful, unfortunately too successful. You wanted to take me away so we can move in together which was much faster than I was ready for. I cried because I said I was not ready to move away from my family and I wanted to be with them a little more since my father is getting older.

You kept telling me this whole time everything will be ok and you’ll take care of me. See where we’ve ended up now. I feel burned up and wasted. We planned and planned on where we would move out to and when. How we wanted our place to be and what it would look like.

When you lived at your best friend’s house I told you honestly that I have a hard time becoming attached to you again because of all the hurt and pain you’ve caused me. You said that you would work on that with me and slowly allow me to trust you again. I am so glad I listened to my instincts… your inconsistent and lost. You broke up with me again and it does sting a little but only very very little.

This ends another chapter of my life, one that I prefer not to relive again. It was bittersweet.

I learned many things throughout this relationship and I do not regret it. If anything I regret was how much crap I put up with… again. I’ve never felt wasted and used up in my whole life looking back on it.

I wrote a whole page of all the things he did that hurt me so I will never return to him again. I will refer to this page often if I miss him because I will never go back.