Not Enough Time

Recently I’ve been having problems following up on things that I’m supposed to. It’s so hard when it seems like even though I’ve taken care of four big projects I get five to rise up in it’s place. When I plan for something I can never do it because something else more urgent comes up in that place causing me to have an epic back log of things I still need to do. When will life get easier, I don’t know. I just hope I make it out here alive sometime soon.

I hate the feeling of running and rushing somewhere all the time with always something to do. When will there be a time where I can just be here without a long list of chores. Probably a long time from now…

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

Structure of Society

Recently I have started to reanalyze my life and I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I have been contemplating my progress in school (or lack thereof) and I am wondering if the world really as easy as it can be. I feel like every time I go into school I am piling on more stuff than I can handle and although my classes are strongly within passing range they all perfect which I consider a 3.8 or higher. I could take fewer classes and master them like perhaps two or take on a huge load of sixteen credits which is what I am taking now and half ass it. I hate not going through with things entirely, it bothers me but I feel pressured to run myself into the ground because I just want to graduate and get out of my life of hell here with my mother.

I feel like it would be so much simpler if I could just drop everything and run away across the water but I know my impatience would cost me greatly. I am confused between working really hard and postponing my school (which I strongly hate the thought of) or continue to stress myself out. I am starting to see that there is no reason to do this. One of these days I need to sit and just re-adjust my plans, I am getting rather frustrated. One of the other things that are not going according to plan is my car. I was hoping to get my car paid off at my two year mark but it looking like that is going to happen in maybe 3? I can’t wait that long I am so impatient. I do not want to slack on my excessive amounts of payments either but I can’t even begin to describe the frustration I feel when I see a chunk of it go to my interests. Regardless, I will suck it up and carry on but that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it along the way. I can’t blame people for hindering my successes but I feel that if only my mother didn’t pressure me into buying a car I wouldn’t have taken out a loan, simple as that. Loans of any kind are horrible.

Other than money babble I’ve been thinking a lot about people and the structure of society. We live in such a cruel society and I don’t understand why people do half the things they do. I love people but that’s what I say because I am blindly optimistic. Realistically I think that this world is so horribly rude that even the few honest stories that I hear via. the news and whatnot can’t even begin to compensate for the millions of billions rude comments of gestures I see/hear on a daily basis. Doesn’t this bug anyone else? Doesn’t anyone else think like this? I think most people don’t really think about this mostly because society has dumbed down a lot of notches. Perhaps, I am too sensitive who knows? I just feel like people around me are just so rude and I have to constantly put up walls and call this the “norm” of society. This might be locational, I am not sure. Simply put I am just getting so tired of putting myself out there and going above and beyond for some friends when no one does the same in return. When someone asks me for a favor and it’s in my inconvenience now-a-days, I just tell them I don’t FEEL like doing that/helping you out sorry. This is the norm. This is not my norm and this is not how I want to treat people and this is not how I want people to treat me.

Live Life Beautifully

I know life is hard. It’s especially hard when it comes to thinking positively when the world around you is so negative. I try to do my best to keep an optimistic outlook even when no one around can cheer me up. Until recently I’ve been more “real” with my feelings, more expressive than I’ve ever been before and I found out by doing this I have attracted the right amount of help that I needed for my current situation. I know that even though keeping a positive outlook is great it’s not good to keep how you really feel inside.

In real life sanarios it’s hard to follow obvious and common sense advice. I remember when my brother was talking to me about making friends at school and not attracting the right friends he wants in the long run and being friends with so-so people he doesn’t care much about. I told him that he needs to drop all the friends that weigh him down so he can open himself to the people around him that truly care about him. This piece of advice is so hard to do yet so easy to say. I let concepts like this roll around in my brain a bit before I put them into action. I think of the actual process of why it is hard to just do the obvious advice, the repercussions and the desired outcome.

I figured at the point in my life I am pretty miserable and I need to do something different, heck, I had nothing to lose. The people whom I called friends or people I put all my efforts into without any acknowledgement in return were wasting my life. I spent lots of time miserably waiting around for these “friends” to call me back or to hang out with and I felt like crap because I never got anywhere with these people!

I broke away from all these people who were bringing me down and I also put the “talk is cheap” concept into play and started visiting people who are actually important to me regardless of the distance [keeping it within my state of course]. I kept putting myself out there to new people and I started to reshape the people who I called friends and I couldn’t have been happier.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been really happy hanging out with my friends and most especially my friend Hiliary. We’ve known each other for about a year or two and I’ve hung out with her before but I think with her current busy situation which was getting married, having a baby, getting a new job and moving into her first house it was hard to establish a friendship with her.

Within the past month we’ve gotten really close and I have never felt so connected to someone in my life! We have about the same outlook in life with our optimism and have almost the exact same interests. She motivates me and appreciates the same things that I do. There are no jealousy issues because we just want the best for the other person and to share what makes us happy. We’ve had multiple adventures together and out of all the adventures I’ve ever had the best ones I’ve had with her. I am really thankful I met her and I am glad we connected. We are going to have another Seattle trip here in a few weeks. We are going to go to our favorite store called Daiso together and I am going to show her a new place she has never been to before.

Our best adventure so far!

Beauty & The Beast 3D [above] | Beauty & The Beast Broadway @ The Paramount [below]

Frustrations in Math

It’s not new news that I suck at math. This is a lifelong on-going process that is still on my ass. Today I saw an adviser on the college I am going to be transferring to for my associates as a paralegal. I was excited and proud of myself for all the good grades I have and everything I have accomplished so far as a working student. I know that I needed to start on my math last quarter but I was scared to re-enter my fears of failure.

We found the college and the advising center just fine, I waited my turn in line and I finally saw the adviser I was waiting for a long time to see. Everything was going just nicely I completed everything that I needed to complete in my time frame. She was writing out my classes on the transfer requirements and she asked me what classes I was taking this quarter. I told her what I was taking and threw math in there. I let her know it was a low level math that wasn’t at college level and that I have a hard time in math and I am working towards improving it.

 Automatically her attitude towards me changed. It seemed that she was personally looking down on me and that I wasn’t going to make it, or something? I don’t know but she didn’t act like she did before. She seemed to come off as a nag when she referred to my math level. I guess to put it frankly she acted like I shouldn’t be at this college but whatever. She can’t determine my success or my failures. Underestimating me has turned out to be successful for anyone at any given point in time. Regardless, even if it takes a little time I will prove her wrong.

Also, I have come to the realization that entering in the second part of my math class (math90B) may not be successful for my needs. I feel that in my class there are parts that I work really fast and efficiently but there are other parts where I am seriously lost. I need some personal tutoring, again. I will not go back to that other tutor who did not specialize in math but I will pick someone new.

I messaged the new tutor tonight and I hope to receive a response within the next few weeks. I am pretty sure this is a more effective way to get the direction I need to go. I wish I was smarter in math, among other things. I feel so stupid sometimes.

My Happy Place

I know I have been so negative lately; I can’t help it when all my main factors in life like school, work and home are all just miserable places right now. I wish it wasn’t like that; it didn’t used to be like that.

I want to start focusing on more positive things or try to. I want to paint a picture, not literally. I used to paint pictures out for Michael about what the future would look like. I always thought it was fun to do that and also to reassure him but right now I need to reassure myself.

Let’s start.

I want to be in a position where I can fully support myself financially by myself. I would like more spending money to pursue activities like dancing and music. I want the “hustle” of work and school to be over and to be able to focus solely on my career and my leisure activities. When I work I want to be respected as a human being and to be acknowledged for my hard work and talents. When I am sick or respectfully need a vacation, I want to take time off of work without having to feel bad for calling in. I want decent benefits and work with a company that loves me at work and on paper. I would love to work effectively in a group of supportive team members and individually. Most of all I can’t wait each day for the work to end so I can go home.

When I think of what a “home” is supposed to be like I think about warm and fuzzy things. I think about coming home to someone who cares about you, who won’t yell at you or judge you and someone you can confide in about your day/what’s on your mind. Coming home to someone who can genuinely listen and keep you positive, even if you don’t feel like it. I want to be in a place where I can fully relax and unwind from my day without loud noises from the outside world, a place where I can shut myself in. It would be nice to have a place that is organized, efficient and beautiful so I can have room for everything I love to do and be appreciated for the things I create. I would like more movie/book nights where I can just relax and focus on one thing without being distracted. I want to have parties sometimes where friends can come over and we can have game nights and whatnot. I’d like a quiet place for naps. I want to stretch out by a fireplace while I read with a cup of hot chocolate or tea. A home should be (in my opinion) the best place in the world. Last but not least I want to be able to sleep with someone who genuinely loves me for who I am and is willing to accept me and help me on all my bad habits. Goodnight kisses make me really happy.