This will be my last recollection of my current ex. Yes we broke up again and I am just done and ready to move on. I like to vent out my total memories about him so I can finally get some rest…
We met a year ago at work around this time, around Christmas. I was working part time somewhere else and only two days at my current job so I haven’t been on weekends in a while. The first time I came back to working weekends in two months I was really in awestruck when I first saw Michael and he was the same towards me. We both felt an instant connection and we started talking to each other a little bit during our lunch breaks and down time. I will be honest when I say the more important things are to me I will be shy about even though I am generally an outgoing person. I didn’t say that I liked him at all and he found out when one of my co-workers told him without my consent.
I was embarrassed at first. He told me not to be and that he likes me too and wants to get to know me more, I was beyond thrilled. We arranged to meet outside of work on a Thursday at my favorite coffee shop. We talked a little bit, met up with my friends later and went on a walk down by the water front where he held my hand and kissed me for the first time. It was strange that everything was moving so quickly but it felt so natural. He took me to his favorite park where we were able to talk privately about life and of course, there was lots of kissing ect.
I stayed out till 6am that night and normally I would have been beaten down for that when I came home but my mom was at the Philippines at the time and my dad’s work is far away. He kept asking me if he is going too fast and he swore he is not normally like this. I swore I wasn’t normally like this either. That night I slipped into bed unnoticed but by this time it was daylight outside and I was so tired.
The next chance we met we instantly picked up where we left off, we had strong chemistry between the both of us. I had my first time, with you and I will never regret it. It was exactly what I wanted for something I knew so little about. You were very slow and gentle and nothing hurt at all. I will always remember my first time…
I remember the first place you lived; it was like a cute forest. There were plants and trees everywhere! You just bought your cats that were (at the time) just baby kittens. I loved them so much… I loved your roommate’s dogs and I was very devastated when I couldn’t say goodbye to Maxi. When I thought of your first place it gives me lots of warm memories when you snuggled me and we played computer games together. I remember the first time I lied about where I was sleeping over and the many others that followed just so I could be with you. I think my mother knew I was obviously lying but in my head the risk was all worth it. I loved your big windows that held your plants and the garden you worked on creating. I loved your black and red curtains and your warm sheets, tea and the breakfasts you made me in the morning…
I can’t remember exactly how this happened but we started showing signs of problems within our bliss in the first two months into our relationship. It wasn’t me; it was you and your insecurities. I don’t know why you were so scared then and I don’t know why you couldn’t do things rationally. We broke up, for the first time within two months. You were upset even though you’re the one who broke up with me. You also broke up with me a second time a few months after that, I was severely confused. The third time I broke up with you because I was so sick of all this confusion and your smoking. Your smoking was causing me breathing problems and I still have problems till this day. I don’t understand why you didn’t stop for me and what could make you understand that you were slowly killing me.
During this time period I was out at my grandma’s house and I honestly couldn’t enjoy myself there because my whole time was consumed in thoughts of you and how you were doing. I came back from her house and I wrote you a letter. The letter I carefully wrote and planned out and re-wrote several times so you fully understood the message I was trying to send you. I wanted to let you know that I love you and I would rather be together with you than without you. I was slowly working on plans on integrating you more into my life so you could feel a part of it and painted you a picture of how our future would look together. As I have written before the letter was successful, unfortunately too successful. You wanted to take me away so we can move in together which was much faster than I was ready for. I cried because I said I was not ready to move away from my family and I wanted to be with them a little more since my father is getting older.
You kept telling me this whole time everything will be ok and you’ll take care of me. See where we’ve ended up now. I feel burned up and wasted. We planned and planned on where we would move out to and when. How we wanted our place to be and what it would look like.
When you lived at your best friend’s house I told you honestly that I have a hard time becoming attached to you again because of all the hurt and pain you’ve caused me. You said that you would work on that with me and slowly allow me to trust you again. I am so glad I listened to my instincts… your inconsistent and lost. You broke up with me again and it does sting a little but only very very little.
This ends another chapter of my life, one that I prefer not to relive again. It was bittersweet.
I learned many things throughout this relationship and I do not regret it. If anything I regret was how much crap I put up with… again. I’ve never felt wasted and used up in my whole life looking back on it.
I wrote a whole page of all the things he did that hurt me so I will never return to him again. I will refer to this page often if I miss him because I will never go back.
