I am really tired and I can’t wait for this quarter to end. On the lighter note, I’ve been inspired. Recently I have just been inspired by the idea that if you work hard you can get somewhere. I know this does not happen for everyone and in this economy you need a bit of luck and planning. I feel very fortunate to grow up with my circumstances despite my short-comings. I feel that if I just keep learning, improving and listening I can get somewhere in life. I hope I am making sense, I did say I was quite tired.

This quarter is almost over and I pray pray pray for good grades. I did study for good grades too just in case you were wondering. I realized when it comes to continuing education, it always continues. Education is like a snowball effect the more you build up the more impressive you are and the more damage you can make. I hope that when I am older I can have an epic legacy of all my accomplishments. I do not want anything to get in my way of becoming successful.

I found that within my short lifespan that the only thing that really gets in the way of me achieving what I want is my family, friends, boyfriends and sometimes myself. I feel that I have become a better person by each progressing year but I feel that I might face a wall again.

Like I said before, I am really torn whether I should move in with my boyfriend or not. No worries though I am hopefully going to see him tonight to talk about my concerns. I don’t want him nor anyone to hold me back every again from my progress to be successful. I remember my ex-boyfriend Jerry was one of the people whom I felt was a contributor to weighing me down and I don’t want to feel that way again. I like feeling weightless, for the most part.

What I want to talk to him about is what it takes to be successful and what separates people in society from being accomplished. He does not realize this yet but he is coming up to a wall that I’m unsure he wants torn down or not. Unfortunately he is a pot smoker and I feel that even if they were to legalize marijuana, it would still be wrong and disgusting like smoking cigarettes. As far as I am concerned I will not tolerate a pot smoker especially if I were to be sharing a living space with him. When it comes to jobs of somewhat importance there is a need to do frequent drug testing. If he were to continue his education to be whatever wonderful thing he wants to be, that is something that will hold him back. I want to see him successful and out of his stressful situations but there is only so much I can do.

I hope he chooses me over the pot, I really do.

What I know more than anything in the world is I do not want anyone from preventing me from achieving the life and the happiness that I feel I deserve due to all my hard work. I am not here to say that my life is the worst ever and I do not want to compare with anyone. I know I’m not happy and I want to be happy. I want to create a place where I can feel stable and complete in every way, “my happy place”. This is a goal that is not easy, takes carefully planning, harder work and money. I’ll get there someday and that will be the best day of my life.

I’ve been rather irritated lately about something in particular lately. I was at a happy point in my life (mentally) where I kept all my attitudes positive and there was nothing getting in my way. Recently my friend at school reminded me it was my ex-best friend’s birthday that day which happened to be October twenty-fifth. I totally forgot about her, for the most part until she brought that up and now I can’t stop thinking about her. Life was peachy-keen, as I thought and now I have been brain ninja’ed [Dane Cook]. Now my brain is exploding!!!

Since then I’ve been wondering about how she is doing in college. What is her life like now and what kind of adventures she has been on? I wonder if she ever wonders about how I am doing? Probably not.

I get so frustrated when I find myself in this position again because I know there is no use talking to that damn woman because she is exactly like my mother. You try to communicate with her and try to find a common ground to build upon a healthy relationship but they don’t even get that far. I keep reminding myself that it isn’t worth it.

I have to frequently remind myself of the times I put myself out there and I tried to communicate that I am sad or frustrated about a certain situation or something she has done to me but it doesn’t go through to her. I remember the last time I tried to be friends with her I said I will only be in a friendship with you if you promise me that you will always communicate your problems to me as they come up. I remember towards the end I tried to talk to her about listening to me more because I was frequently repeating myself over and over again but she got mad and started mocking me about not listening to her when I did. So I broke it off. I realize that sometimes she doesn’t remember what she tells who to and commonly forgets whether she tells me something or not.

Regardless, to this day I will miss playing SSBB, DDR and talking about asian drama, boys, friends and makeup with her but there is nothing I can do about it. The past is in the past and that is that.

I care too much about people so I think that is why I have a hard time letting things go [if I can avoid it] and what sucks is I know that if she were to ask me to be friends again I would accept her with open arms. I kinda dislike how forgiving I am but it is my nature.