I know I have been so negative lately; I can’t help it when all my main factors in life like school, work and home are all just miserable places right now. I wish it wasn’t like that; it didn’t used to be like that.

I want to start focusing on more positive things or try to. I want to paint a picture, not literally. I used to paint pictures out for Michael about what the future would look like. I always thought it was fun to do that and also to reassure him but right now I need to reassure myself.

Let’s start.

I want to be in a position where I can fully support myself financially by myself. I would like more spending money to pursue activities like dancing and music. I want the “hustle” of work and school to be over and to be able to focus solely on my career and my leisure activities. When I work I want to be respected as a human being and to be acknowledged for my hard work and talents. When I am sick or respectfully need a vacation, I want to take time off of work without having to feel bad for calling in. I want decent benefits and work with a company that loves me at work and on paper. I would love to work effectively in a group of supportive team members and individually. Most of all I can’t wait each day for the work to end so I can go home.

When I think of what a “home” is supposed to be like I think about warm and fuzzy things. I think about coming home to someone who cares about you, who won’t yell at you or judge you and someone you can confide in about your day/what’s on your mind. Coming home to someone who can genuinely listen and keep you positive, even if you don’t feel like it. I want to be in a place where I can fully relax and unwind from my day without loud noises from the outside world, a place where I can shut myself in. It would be nice to have a place that is organized, efficient and beautiful so I can have room for everything I love to do and be appreciated for the things I create. I would like more movie/book nights where I can just relax and focus on one thing without being distracted. I want to have parties sometimes where friends can come over and we can have game nights and whatnot. I’d like a quiet place for naps. I want to stretch out by a fireplace while I read with a cup of hot chocolate or tea. A home should be (in my opinion) the best place in the world. Last but not least I want to be able to sleep with someone who genuinely loves me for who I am and is willing to accept me and help me on all my bad habits. Goodnight kisses make me really happy.  

I honestly don’t know what is wrong with my head right now. I am in school and I have everything to be happy about in life. Yet I am so uninspired to do my homework and push forward with my future goals. I think that maybe when I was with Michael and I pushed myself to my max limits for four months with the goal to move out (which was supposed to be this month) to watch it blow up in my face. It’s like I just got done with the worst war ever and I barely got out alive and now I can’t move forward until I recover. I have no time to recover though. My life is very time sensitive and big plans need to happen now now now!

I pride myself in all my hard work and providing for someone. I felt like everything I just did within the last year was all for nothing. I feel that the people around me aren’t sensitive enough to see that I need some affection. I want to have times with my friends and share a good laugh but we are all busy and all don’t have time. It seems like no one goes out of their way for me like I do for them… I don’t know.

I feel lonely perhaps but I know this is only a temporary feeling. I hope it gets better though. I am not ready for a relationship by all means. I need to get back up to speed…

I wish I knew how to be myself again.

Recently I have been experiencing an inner dislike for a particular type of people. I don’t know what to label them as but there are quite a number of them in my life and sometimes I don’t like their presence.

The people I don’t like are the people who look down on you when you’re trying your hardest to get ahead in life while they have things easily handed to them. These people expect you to achieve their definition of success, or the process of it, with obviously different circumstances.

Sanrio 1: This persons family encouraged him to quit his job so they can pay for his school with a generous spending allowance. When I was complaining about how hard work was, he suggested for me to cut down my hours (like it was no big deal). I told him that I pay for everything I own and my parents don’t help me pay for everything. My car, insurance, phone, food, ect ect are all paid for by me. I can’t financially afford to cut down my hours. Thankfully, the only thing I don’t pay for is rent. He says, “oh” but he does not fully grasp my concept. He is also trying to get with women out of his league and his standards are set higher than the moon. He is trying to get women who are already successful/rich when he himself hasn’t achieved greatness (yet). Here I am making more money than he has ever made and doing things on my own and he still doesn’t notice me (like that). I am obviously not a high enough status or whatever to be noticed. I know prettiness is not a factor because I know I am pretty. He wants the women he dates to be skinny and have long hair (which I have) but he himself is fat. What’s up with that?

Sanrio 2: This person is boasting about his 4.0 and I was simply happy by keeping my GPA over a 3.5 and all my classes over a 3.5 while working full time ect. He talks about how he could never get under a 4.0 and he works his ass off ect. He looks at my grades for my paralegal program (which are all over 3.7) and says… “oh… cool..”. I get a sympathetic congratulation, although I know he tries to not make it obvious. I would love to get a 4.0 too… but he does not work while he is going to school. He has all the time and money in the world to work his ass off on a 4.0 whereas I do not.

End rant.