July 23, 2011

• Crazy Poisonous Love

  Today I broke up with my boyfriend Michael. I know I broke up with him before but I suppose this is the “official” breakup. I learned a lot from this relationship both good and bad… I am alright with it ending but it is so strange that I always finding myself holding on the possibilities. I saw in him so much potential to be something great, I really did. Perhaps it’s just all in my head and I am crazy.

  I saw in him someone smart and strong. He has gone though a lot of hard times, he had dreams but (to me) the path to get to those dreams was quite blurry. When I think of him, I think of someone who is constantly undergoing a minor clusterfucks and I hoped that I could help him get to a better place in life. Like I was trying to in mine.

  I am a person of dreams, visions and intense planning. I create these dreams in which I bring to reality. It’s something that I am quite good at.

  What I wanted in this relationship more than anything was teamwork. I wanted to create a relationship to where each person pushes the other to become more successful. I wanted to take my weak points and make them strong and vice versa. I learned from him and I wanted him to learn from me. I wanted him to come to me and ask questions about our differences, such as, how do you manage your finances to always have money? Ect.

  Money was a big problem in our relationship. What can I say, I’m a girl with my mind on my money and my money on my mind. I want to work hard now so I don’t have to later. I want to have lots of fun in my life but go through great sacrifices first to get there.

  I wanted someone to work though life’s pains and pleasures with me. I wanted someone I could grow and share my love with. He wanted that too, but like I said, “the path to get to those dreams was quite blurry”. He has a destination with no way of getting there.

  I love him and will always will know him as that tall, dark and sexy man who wears black that I have lost all my values and morals to. Someone who completely shattered my way of thinking and in a way I am grateful and ungrateful for it. I care about him so much but the one thing I am holding onto that’s preventing me from returning to him, was not being loved and cared for in return.

  I have met his family, friends and paid attention to his interests and hobbies. He, on the other hand did not care about mine and make a pathetic attempt to getting to know my family. I know tracking down my friends and getting to meet them can be hard sometimes but he didn’t cater to my interests at all. Too many days went wasted in misery that we could have spent doing something fantastic. I planned ahead while he didn’t plan much at all. I kept in mind his interests and merged them with mine, gardening, hiking, adventures and coffee but with little success. If we did something fantastic together it was very short lived. My bliss was short lived. This relationship was short lived.

  I wonder if he ever used me in this whole process. When I would look at his face I would like to think that someone so sweet as him would not be capable of doing such a thing but when I look on the actions alone without emotion, my logic says other wise? Anyways, perhaps this is the best.

  I just hope that he misses me when I am gone and realize how great he had it and how easy I made his life. I am also quite bitter and will further continue this rant by saying it doesn’t get any better than me and he has taken our time for granted. His mom likes me bestest and I am not the one who needs to grow up, don’t get your shit confused. You said you “Needed a woman and not a girl” but I was so much woman that you didn’t even know how to handle me because I had my priorities, goals and shit straight. Just because I don’t sleep over in your bed does not make me any less of a woman but instead more, because I don’t sell myself short, easy or on a discount price. I value myself and take care of myself to the best of my ability and I don’t need someone to take care of me. The ex’s you’ve had in your past were nothing but girls and if you ever dare to say they were more woman than I when they couldn’t hold down a job, keep themselves clothed, sheltered and educated due to their destructive lifestyles, I would just look at you strange and say you’re really fucked up in the head.

  Like I’ve said in the past” What’s the difference between a girl, woman and a lady? A girl is under age, a woman is of age, and a lady is a woman of class and that’s me.”

  

  • 4:44 am
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