I am really frustrated. For a while now, I have really disliked being an aide. I don’t like being treated with disrespect for no reason from one of my bosses only because of my job status and always having an intense workload. Being an aide has prevented me from going to school. It is so hard to have a physically intensive job while going to school, trust me, I’ve already tried it. I need to find a job that works mornings so I can get back into school and not feel so overwhelmed. One of the worst feelings in the world is to be both physically exhausted and mentally and have nothing left to give.

I really don’t appreciate that I work my butt off and I only make slightly over minimum wage. Perhaps I am too high strung but I find it unfair that people who work in the hospitals get paid more than I do and do a lot less work. I want to find myself in a position like that.

Anyways, I’ve been looking for other jobs that can help me in a better position. So I turned to banking.

I really liked their hours and their general work load and requirements. They have good benefits and they give incentives to go back to school. I need something like that in my life.

So yesterday was my interview but it wasn’t much of an interview, it was more like let’s take some tests and then we will talk. I was alright with that. Long story short I failed the test. The minimum they wanted on the money test was 80% and if I got one more question right I would pass. I passed the typing test with a 98% accuracy rating but they said I need to type faster and learn how to use the key pad. The most frustrating part about this whole thing is that I have to wait three months to apply again. THREE MONTHS?! I have to work another three months of agony as an aide? I swear I was going to cry at that moment.

I am really trying to be positive about this whole thing…

At least I can work as an admissions aide now which is kinda a step up from an aide and it would look good on my resume…

I am just frustrated that it seems like every time I try to better myself in any way I will automatically fail the first time. That’s possibly the only reason why I didn’t cry. I’ve become accustomed to failing. I am still going to try but it just hurts my feelings that there hasn’t been a time where I can just succeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1tXhJniSEc&feature=player_embedded

Recently Rickey contacted me? It was so random and out of the blue. He couldn’t get a hold of me at the time because I was working but it was important enough to leave a message. He just called to ask if we could be friends again; if I said “no” it would be perfectly understandable and he wouldn’t push it.

Because of my nature, I said yes. I will forgive but never forget.

It seemed like he was having a really rough time with life and just needed someone there to listen to him. I listened, but I will be honest when I say I was rather disappointed. He has fallen so far down in his life that it’s so screwed up, beyond the point of repair.

I will not babble about his misery too much and there are a lot of things I can’t say because I’ve sworn into secrecy. Basically Rickey is the same age as me currently, twenty. He has three kids from two different mothers. What I said to him before I left, the only time I screamed at someone my true thoughts, has burned into his mind and has caused him to take things seriously and get therapy. He has hurt a lot of people around him. His life is dysfunctional to the point of stand-still. He has lost an incredible position as a wielder at the Shipyard and he is failing in his classes. His girlfriend left him because not only was he unfaithful in his relationship with her but there are a couple other things he has done to hurt her.

I recall just a year ago his future was so bright but now the brightness has faded.

I also do not recognize him anymore; he isn’t the same person I remember.

My boyfriend and I broke up the other day and I am almost at a lost for words… almost…

I am terribly sad we ended up this way and words cannot express how much I loved him. I cared for him so deeply and I gave him all my love for the short time that we were together. I believed we had an almost instant connection, I wonder if he feels the same. We got comfortable with each other perhaps too fast but I wouldn’t have it any other way. How things unraveled very quickly was exciting and different from anything that I was ever used to. Learning from this I might never do that again with anyone else.

He exposed me to a life that is other than my own, a life that is not filled with rainbows and unicorns (so I’d like to say). A world that yes, not everyone is in the military and not everything is handed to them on a silver platter. That the world is a little bit more rugged outside my bubble and that life is a little bit more difficult. He made me put into perspective of how often people actually smoke stuff outside my bubble which is quite an interesting experience. Just to clarify I didn’t smoke anything.

Everyone says that it will be best for me to move on and everyone says I deserve better. Perhaps I do and I am rather stubborn, I loved him and I wanted to be with him but I do need to take care of myself because that is what’s best. I need to keep pushing forward in live and try to avoid the things that are holding me back…

Although I say this, my insides are screaming that I love him but my mind will shut my heart out soon enough. Haha, I know I sound like it’s emotional abuse to myself but one day I will love someone fully and entirely to where this does not happen and everything will feel right. I am just really scared of being trapped in an unfulfilling relationship?

I am really bad at coping with loss.

Right now my brain is into over drive replaying the memories I purposely saved into my brain over the course of our dating. Good memories… memories that would naturally play into my head at random to keep me happy when nothing is happening…

Here are a few lyrics that are best descriptive.

Thought that I was the exception,
I could have rewrite your addiction,
You could’ve been the greatest,
But you’d rather get wasted.

I’m not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking’ mother.
Can’t be your saviour, I don’t have the power.
I’m not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,

You think you’re so rock and roll,
But you’re really just a joke.

Had the world in the palm of your hands,
But you fucking choked
Should’ve been my team mate,
Could’ve changed your fate,
You say that you love me,
You won’t remember in the morning.

–Circle the Drain – Katy Perry

I am writing at the late hours because I am having an explosion of thought though my head that I do not really want to talk to anyone about because the topic is so vast. I’m pretty much an open book when I blog so the following is not for the weak-hearted and easily offended individuals.

After some long thinking I’ve come to the conclusion I might in fact be a prude.

Long story short my boyfriend and I were having sex and the condom broke, it completely broke. I am not on any birth control and I am beyond worried. I am so worried my brain entirely shut down and my train of thought is as blank white as it can get, I am speechless. Perhaps my brain is moving so quickly that I ran through all thoughts pertaining to the possibility of being pregnant that I exploded internally. Right now I am calm and apathetic, just as I was when I found out.

This isn’t the first time I worried, in all honesty to the shock is not as effective as it could be. It could be that I am over thinking and scaring myself shitless again, and again. I think I am a prude because in all honesty I do not want to have sex anymore; which in turn, would kill my boyfriend. I don’t like the fear of knowing where the person I am with has been and where those people came from ect I just don’t want to be tracking stuff in. Also, I don’t like the fear or thinking of being pregnant or the possibility of. I don’t like this life surrounded with pills, shots and being filled with this paranoia of pregnancy prevention. I feel that I have officially have been bound.

My boyfriend wants me to take the morning after pill tomorrow and it is honestly against all my beliefs (non-religious). I am scared because I am reading all these terrible side effects people are going though who originally had perfect health are now cripple due to severe pains. This makes me so pissed off because I have just fixed my body, everything and anything is fixed. I have no menstrual pain or discomfort, no heavy of severely irregular cycles. I am normal at this point; everything except my acne but perhaps that will go away in time. The fact that I am going to take a hormone pill that is going to flip my body upside-down and that I have to hope and pray for the best and that is all I have. Nothing.

Nothing can be said about it nothing can be done about this, I feel like I have almost been muted but what else can I do? I am putting my future down on this stupid pill. I hope it works, I hope I will not be in pain, I hope I will actually have a decent cycle after this. I hope that I will not be scarred for life. I hope my parents never find out. I hope I hope I hope, damnit. Hope with no structure is all I am riding on now. It makes me mad that the future is fuzzy at the moment and I can’t see my clear path anymore. I hate more than anything being in a gamble that shows no luck. This is a game of chance, and the only thing I am used to is winning.

I’ve never lost anything in my life; I’ve always come out on top. Perhaps it will just be nothing and I have nothing to worry about but again, I don’t know. For the first time in my life I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. I can’t even panic. I can’t even talk to anyone. It’s not that have no one; I just don’t want to talk, at all.

Why am I so scared, what is this fear and where does it come from? This fear was created when I had a dream for myself. My dream was to be a well accomplished woman with a degree of some sort who is stable in her personal life and career. I wanted to be secure emotionally and financially. I wanted to chase all the things that I desired when I was growing up that I never had; the freedom to be expressive, independent and strong. I want to dance, play piano and be free in my creative and expressive thought. For so many years I felt suppressed in the confines of my house and the fact that was starting to attain a glimpse of what it is like to be more of the person who I wanted to be, who I was meant to be. I see this as my desired pathway in life, then, there is the exact opposite of this; the division between girl and woman.

Women are independent, girls are dependant (oh how annoying and dysfunctional they are). I didn’t want to be everything that these “girls” are. Girls do not have their own self-identities and spend most of their time leaching off of their boyfriend of the moment, like chameleons they change rapidly. They are constantly seeking their identity though someone else. They do not have their own thoughts, opinions and beliefs for the most part, they don’t think and they usually have their life dictated by how their boyfriend tells them to be. Their dreams and goals are limited to finding a good guy, getting married and having a baby. THE END. I never wanted to be this type of person and I see it so commonly around me. I can’t understand how someone can limit themselves to that mind-set. They do not have any higher hopes for themselves other than to be a mother with no other special talents, hobbies or educational background that can give them edge.

Don’t these people think that if their significant other leaves, or heaven forbid that they die a terrible and unfortunate death that they have something they can fall back on? I would like to hope they wouldn’t go into something like fast food to support the children until they are grown because that is illogical.

Anyways, back to the main point. The core of what makes me so mad about getting pregnant at a young age that it will hinder my future, guaranteed. If I think going to work and school is hard enough I can’t begin to fathom that I would come home from complete mental and physical exhaustion to raise my baby. The worst part of it is if I am pregnant then I would automatically be poor which I don’t want more than anything in the world and I would shoot myself in the leg for everyday that I am on welfare. How can I financially support another person when I would barely be in a position to support myself?

I told my boyfriend that I am going to do one of two things if I am pregnant.

I could take the passive route and just jump off a bridge and end my life. I’m not afraid of death.

The harder route is struggling night and day juggling school, work, baby and my last attempt at a social life. If you were in my brain right now you have no idea how unappealing this sounds. I am already busting my ass as it is and the fact I have to take what I am doing now and to kick it into high gear is beyond me because I am already on overdrive.

I recall that in my most difficult times of distress I remember a quote I made up “the struggles in life are the ones that make life worth living for” this is all I am holding on to now.

I’ve just gambled tonight and all I hope lady luck is on my side, at least one last time.

Today I was working and talking to one of my fellow co-workers about our love lives. She was telling me about her ex-boyfriend who was literally just sucking the life out of her. He was jobless and he was totally mooching off of her. I personally thought I wouldn’t have the tolerance to let someone mooch off of me as much as her ex has done to her. I couldn’t believe the things she told me. She said that he was lazy and would sit at home all day and basically use her money to buy weed and such. I can’t stand that he even had the nerve to propose to her and she ended up paying the cost of her own engagement ring! I honestly wouldn’t let someone walk over me like that!

She explained to me she felt so free now that she is out of that relationships but also she means in relationships in general; how it felt so good not to answer or check in with anyone. I can truly relate to that feeling. I know that I haven’t been dating my current boyfriend for that long but there are a couple of things that are on my mind.

She was telling me about how her mooching boyfriend started off slowly by asking for little things until these things got bigger and bigger. I can see my relationship with my boyfriend headed in this similar direction. He has asked me to buy him food on multiple occasions and “promised promised promised” to pay me back. I am not saying that I am trying to keep track of all the things I buy and he buys for a perfectly even exchange. I feel that this exchange is very lop-sided and very frequent, so I am keeping a close observation on his behavior. I know I should talk to him about it but I really don’t want to. I wonder if I could just subtly hint that asking me for stuff often is not ok.

I would normally be sympathetic to a situation like this seeing that most of the time he is asking me for just food and nothing unnecessary. I have carefully thought this out and here are my results. I know that quite a considerable amount of my boyfriends income does go to his rent, whereas, I live with my parents making me fairly richer in dispensable income. He does work full time and he spends a lot of money on cigs and weed. Weed, which I read up on, does heavily increase your appetite so it explains the constant need to eat. There are a lot of things that he can do to stretch his income but I am wondering if he is just dumb or does not care.

The main thing that bothers me is that he always goes out to eat fast food for all his meals at work and quite a significant amount off work aswell. Eating out is quite costly. If you want to be decent (and not grab something off the dollar menu) and slightly upgrade yourself to Jack-in-the-Box (for example) for a regular #1 meal which is a Sirloin Burger, fries and a drink? That generally might cost you 7$ after tax. Since my boyfriend does double-doubles which consist of two sixteen hour shifts, that is four shifts  = 4 meals, which in turn = to 28$ easily. In one month that 28$ easily turns into $112 dollars in one month. If he only bought his food at the grocery store then he can easily save half of that, if not more on his weekend eating expenses.

Second thing that bothers me is that his gas is almost always close to empty. I guess he does drive a lot to his familiy’s house which is quite a distance from where he lives. Anyways,  I know that the more you keep driving on a tank that is more than just a couple notches empty your just sucking up air causing you to run out of gas sooner. Notice how it takes a lot longer for your gas tank to get from very full to the first big notch of slightly used? In comparison, right after your gas hits the halfway mark it is pretty much empty by the next time you glance at it? Ya… that’s exactly what I am talking about. If he just filled his tank once a week or once every two weeks he would be saving so much money on gas as well.

Honey, I am a woman who keeps a close eye on my money. I am not greedy, selfish or a inconsiderate money sucking bitch. I am just a smart ass woman who knows how to spend my money and doesn’t like being used.

You had me
You lost me
You’re wasted
You cost me
I don’t want you here messing with my mind
I’ve realized in time
that my eyes are not blind
I’ve seen it before
I’m taking back my life

~Joss Stone

I don’t know what it is about this video but it inspires me to dance.

Sometimes saying the simplest thing can make or break relationships.

I have been a registered CNA for almost two years now coming this March. For the first year of my certification I didn’t do anything with it and I just let it sit. Last year I have been contemplating whether or not I should get a job because although I have plenty of volunteer experience I did not have any work experience. There was defining moment that led me to get my first job. I was thinking how horrible it was to be constantly relying on my mom for everything and her having that control over me.

I applied to my dream job Northwood’s Lodge where I did my school clinical. Getting a job was the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s made dealing with my mom so much easier because I no longer have to rely on her for most things.

When I first started working there yes it was very hard because not only was it my first job but it was a very important job that didn’t give room for a lot of error. When I first started working I remember generally having eight to twelve patients at a time which is such a high amount when the average is six. All I remember thinking is yes, people will get mad at me and yell at me but I am going to work so hard and perfect this. I didn’t want to give up. Over the months I’ve worked there people recognized me a efficient, incredible and someone who will always show up and never call out from work (which happens often). My original plan was to work there for about three years because I loved that place so much. The people there are incredible and I will never forget them. I plan on keeping in touch.

Anyways, about six months ago a secret slipped. Thankfully I was one of the few important people to know about this secret that shook my thinking. For every year you work at Northwood’s you get an evaluation. The aides (me) would get evaluated by their nurse and just to generalize, it goes something like this. There is a scale from one to ten, ten being the greatest and depending on what you get on the scale is how high your pay raise is going to be. The thing is the management will not allow the nurses to rate the aides over a three, which in turn gives them a very low pay raise.

I am thankful that my friend told me this. I can’t thank her enough. Now that I can see the truth that the management truly does not care for it’s hardest working staff. This made me alter my goal and set out for a higher status of living.

In March I am going to hit my year mark at Northwood’s Lodge. I am debating on whether I should leave there entirely or just work one day a week because I am going to apply to the hospital. They pay considerably higher and although the hours are longer the work is easier for me (and my back).

I can’t help but feel a bit sad if I leave right after my year mark but it was good while it lasted.

I saw my old co-worker Sunny today and she strongly believes that I am such a great worker and I deserve better. Let’s see what happens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYMiTulYK6U

Memories linger in your mind. The memories you wish you could forget are usually the ones that take up the most space and are the hardest to get rid of. Running away from them doesn’t solve the problem either. Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that what’s done, is done. You can’t erase those events from the past. The only thing you can do is continue on with your life, in hopes that new and better memories will fill those spaces.

When I think of my past or even my past posts, I always return to my struggles with my mom and my freedom of expression.  For almost my whole life I feel like my freedom of my thought expression has always been suppressed by my mom and my ex-bestfriend. I felt like every time I try to speak my thoughts would be automatically ridiculed. Growing up all I remember was crying any time I would try to talk to my mom about something important. I would avoid at all costs coming to her for any sort of help but when I did as a last resort she would always make me feel stupid for even attempting to come to her for help in the first place. When I wasn’t around my mom I used to be with (at the time) my best friend. They both would do the same exact thing.

I know this has taken a toll on me mentally because there is a strong wall that comes up when it comes to me expressing myself. The closer to me the topic is, such as, my career, my dreams or my papa (whom I love so much) I will stay away from those topics and if I do talk about them I get emotional. I think this is triggered by years and years of past reoccurrences with my self-expression. I guess I am already expecting rejection.

Both my mom and my past friend were very dominating people. My mom would always shut down or strongly discourage productive or positive actions. When I wanted to start working or talked about future plans on moving out she would just laugh and not say anything. Also, today when I was putting my makeup on in the mirror she just stared at me closely and laughed. The list goes on and on, I can look nice for the day and she will just look at me and laugh. My old friend only wanted me to hang out with her friends and she would never hang out with mine. She always had to have nicer things than me which was fine and always had things handed to her on a silver platter. Honestly and seriously, I didn’t mind but when I finally had my slice of the nicer things in life (which by-the-way, I worked for) she would care about what I would get?

Anyways, why am I bringing this up?

It’s affecting me and my personal life. My darling boyfriend is noticing that I have a couple of issues on how I approach things. I am having trouble communicating the important things that can make or break a relationship. Thankfully though, he is very patient and understanding and is willing to help me out. I explained to him how bad my emotional abuse is and that I am trying so hard to overcome them so it is not an issue. I’ve trying to fix myself for the past three years.  The reason it wasn’t sooner was because this started so long ago when I was younger and I was easy to manipulate but I reached my breaking point and slowly started unraveling (in a good way) to the person I truly wanted to become. Keep in mind that although I have gotten rid of things that have been holding me down that I still live with my mother who is the main and strongest source of my anxiety.

My title reminds of of a moment in Digimon The Movie where the infected digimon points to himself because he wants the other digimon to destroy the virus. I feel like I have a mental virus and it’s time to heal.

Anyways, I just want to make my boyfriend happy and I want to be normal.

I have been meaning to write for soo long but oh how I procrastinate. I think instead overwhelming my readers with the millions of things I’ve been though… I figured it would be best to start off where I left off, with Cathy.

It’s been almost exactly a year since me and Cathy have not been friends. I remember around this time when it was getting very bad we were at a friend’s birthday party and I use events like these to date my memories. This was the last event we attended together…

Now after long hours on the toilet (which is the best place for deep thought) I want to explode on this page on everything I feel about Cathy to get it off my chest and I want to move on with my life into a much brighter and happier future.

There is a quote by someone (whom I can’t remember for the life of me) said something like, “when people say you’ve changed, you haven’t, you just became less of who they wanted YOU to be.” This quote generally describes most of what I am feeling.

Our ten year friendship ended abruptly over something stupid. Around the time our friendship ended I was putting more and more hours into work and at that time I was working about five or six days a week. During this period I was out-of-touch with anything and everything my friends and the world was doing. Cathy was getting frustrated that I supposedly didn’t remember she was at her business conference. First, I know she does forget who she talks to about what things, second, I don’t normally forget things like that and thirdly if I did I just need a second pleasant reminder because it’s not like it happens often anyways. This was part of the buildup.

Another contribution to the “buildup” was when I knew  time she stopped listening to my conversations along the way. Yes, I know my talks about politics, philosophy and religion get very boring but not once did she let me know. I found this out when I would keep talking and she would just say “mhm” and I would pop in a simple question to see if she was truly listening like “what do you think about what I just said” she would say “mhm” followed by an awkward moment of silence and I would repeat myself. Epic fail.

When I told her how I felt and that I didn’t think she was listening to me and that I would like to discuss problems as they arise, I don’t think she was listening that time either. Shortly after, she started mocking me by saying “your not listening to me, your not listening to me, don’t you ever listen” which would obviously get on my nerves. That was my last and final attempt.

Our whole friendship is was really on-and-off and the only reason why I became friends with her last time was on the agreement we need to keep an open communication about things that bother us. That obviously wasn’t happening and something as simple as strong communication and working things out putting pride aside wasn’t working.

Yes I have contemplated talking to her after things cooled down a bit but I felt it wasn’t worth it. We’ve gone through years of going back and forth over the same things and never really fixing anything but suppressing it extremely until one or both of us exploded on each other. That is not the kind of friendship I want to take part in.

The defining moment in my brain that made me realize I have made the right decision was when I went to one of my friends birthday party. The party was great and everything but I couldn’t help but notice that the gift she gave happened to be the same gift I gave to her last Christmas. Now, before I had a job I couldn’t give that great of gifts but now that I do have a job I can give all the people I care about really nice things without having to go though my mom. Anyways, she gave my gift and didn’t even show the decency to wrap it for her or throw a card in there to show that she cared. The message I got was “fuck you and your gift” now I am not upset or holding a grudge against this. The only thing I have to say is that is totally two-faced when you say “it’s the thought that counts” but apparent it does not. I didn’t the money at the time to get her nice, fancy or expensive gifts but everything I ever gave her was my best I could honestly give. I did put a lot of thought into everything and worked with the best I had, I didn’t have any other choices. When was friendship defined by material things?

Honestly now, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone with “boxed ideas”. Her ideas were one-sided which I later found out when I got older are very flawed. For example, just because you went to a community college to get part of your degree doesn’t make you any better than someone who took the full run at a university (because you still get the same degree). How prestigious can you get when you take your core classes? English is English, math is math and history is history no matter where you go, the difference is the amount of money you spend.

I know Cathy looks down on me for going to a community college and possibly taking the working route while studying, instead of, taking the fastest route to get a degree but I’m alright with that. I know that the vigor of a working student far surpasses that of an average student because working students go through a greater sacrifice. The determination and stamina to not only put yourself though your own education while still paying your daily bills and attempting to keep up with some-sort of social life will give you more endurance and authority than that of an average person.

My rule of thumb : Work hard, play hard. Simply kick some ass.

Now that that was off my chest I an BREATHE!