Alright, that’s it! It’s over with me and Jerry! Yes it sucks, I loved him but he just doesn’t get it, at all. Jerry is inconsiderate and cold the majority of the time I don’t understand why I fell for him again. I deserve someone better, way better. I know I am too good for this.

We got into a fight, a very important fight. I asked how many people he had sex with because I felt like I had the right to know, especially if he is claiming to be so serious about me and wants to “marry me”. He said he wouldn’t tell me which was alright, I wasn’t forcing that. I said that I hope he would tell me sometime in the future. Then he asked why I cared so much and I answered him saying that there is no such thing as safe sex. I went on explaining that there are 60 subtypes of the HPV (Human Papilloma Virus), it’s a skin to skin contact disease that affects the whole genital area. Meaning the condom can’t protect you from it, and there aren’t always symptoms to tell if you’re infected or not.

Plus you can transfer this disease, like many others to your children, like HPV and AIDS. It isn’t a pretty sight and I love children and I wouldn’t want to see a suffering child, especially my own go though something terrible that can be entirely avoided.

Then right after I said that, all he said was “goodbye” and logged out that second. He broke a promise, a promise he made me. He promised to keep communication open between us no matter what and not shut me out like that. Plus, he is the one who asked the dang question in the first place, I just answered.

I am just going to end it like this, at that last goodbye. There is no need to make it formal and say we are breaking up because I am sure it’s clear. I’ve blocked him on MSN messenger and I am pretty sure he won’t bother contacting me though MySpace or anywhere else.

These breakup quotes fits my mood about this and they make me feel better…

·         Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

·         If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

·         Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

·         The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.

·         Love can sometimes be magic but magic; can sometimes be just an illusion.

Jerry is somewhat contradicting himself, he says things like what he wrote today but this is what I think of all of this so far. I think that I am in control of myself; if I don’t want to do anything sexual, then it won’t happen. If I am clear and strong on my choice nothing goes wrong. Maybe I am confusing Jerry by joking around like that maybe. I hate myself anytime I let joking go too far. I know I am selling myself short and losing my dignity that way. I shouldn’t be treated like that at all, and I believe people are treated the way let themselves be treated. This is a very controllable situation.

If he goes back on his word, by action I will leave him. Regardless of how hard it might be, or how much of an inconvenience it might be. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would never let myself be treated the way I was when I was with Tolden. Which was pretty much a piece of shit, which had no other purpose other than to serve as some sort of sick entertainment? I don’t roll like this, this is not me. This is not me at all!

I will not convince myself that I am in the wrong. I am never in the wrong when it comes to things like this. I never, ever, want to be that poor little girl who convinces herself that a situation really isn’t as bad as people thinks it is when it’s actually worse. Ever since Tolden I have never, ever, been blinded by love since. I’ve literally prevented myself from “falling” in love. I’ve actually put up the strongest wall that people can’t begin to comprehend.

I am not self-destructing, I’m certain is safe to say. I will let myself fall in love again once I know it is the right person, when I know for sure that they are honest and loyal. Not just to me but to everyone, so it’s consistent. It is hard to find someone now-a-days who is really true like that. Sometimes I am so screwed up with this sick perverted world.

Jerry says: honest im not really in the mood for making babies..my eyes hurt and i really don’t want to use my dingie

J-Anne says: haha seriously pook, me either

J-Anne says: but i still love you so its ok

J-Anne says: i know its complicated, making babies with you, but i hate myself everytime i acutally let myself go though with it… because i feel like i am lose my diginity…

J-Anne says: im going to shutup now

Jerry says: pook its ok *hugs* we can make babies when were married thats fine, to be honest i just like teasing you about it, not like making fun of you, just giving you a bad time, because i really don’t like to cyber OR to make you feel out of place..because the fact is, i do care about you and your feelings AND your values

J-Anne says: yeah, i am randomly speaking my mind and feelings for once, which i don’t normally do often at all unless i blog it but… i have trust issues… and i want to trust you pook entirely and yes it makes me feel good that you care but its hard… you know? i am trying

Jerry says: im glad we had this talk..since my eyes hurt im going to use that as an excuse to go to be early

Jerry says: goodnight pook

J-Anne says: kk night pook

On the positive note, Jerry and I haven’t really “done” anything to serious. It’s all talk and no action, though words does lead to actions and Jerry, for the most part is pretty considerate of me. Plus, I will remain a virgin till I am married because I am a hopeless romantic like that.

Jerry and I have been playing Pirates of the Caribbean Online together for a while now. It has been pretty fun. Cathy might join us when she has free time. I love the game, I am slightly addicted which is weird because I thought I lost my interest for MMORPG’s.

There is also a question Alex asked, which caught me entirely off guard. I don’t have an answer for it but maybe someone else will. The question is…

What is the point in having an online blog that you keep away from people you know, while letting people who don’t know you read it?

I don’t know how to word the answer to this question, I know why I do it but I can’t put it into words.

I was also madly debating whether to make this post private or not but I decided not to because I like what people have to write. Plus I feel like I am being more honest with myself by writing it somewhat out there. Also, sorry for the language used in this post, I felt that curse words properly described what I meant and I couldn’t find any other words to substitute them.

It seems like all of my friends are joining the National Guard. I called up Chase today and he was already signed off and ready to go, my friend Jordan is already in the National Guard and it was only a few days ago when Jake and I were really talking about it.

I have been thinking of going into a branch of military for a long time, what catches my eye is the benefits. No matter what branch you are in, you will have free medical, dental and plenty of other things. If you get married your spouse will be entirely covered and so will your children up until they are eighteen. I am not sure how many branches do this but they will pay for your education which is a major bonus for me.

For the most part, I am serious into getting into this but I want to question it more. I want to try to schedule some time with a recruiter, without my parents there. I just got done talking to Jordan and he said he would come. He said he would prefer someone to be there with him the first time too because he was nervous.

Cathy seems kind of nervous about me getting up and moving away but I would defiantly come back one day, this is my home. I wouldn’t be anywhere else even though it seems like a lot of people suck here sometimes.

My goals for right now are finish Drivers ED which is coming up soon, get my GED, get a job of some sort, go straight into memory classes and either go into the National Guard or straight continue my education.

Im just scared that once I decided to do this, I can never go back.

These are Transformer inspired shoes created by Balenciaga and I want the black and white ones so bad! They run at about $4,000 which is insane but what do you expect, it’s fashion, it’s expensive, what’s new? I want them I just don’t want the price. I see a lot of random forums talking about how ugly the shoes are but I think they are amazing! It is a little step out of the box and I tend to do that every once in a while. I don’t think this is a fashion crime at all! I think not all people know how to pull this off.

Today was one of the best days ever! I got all my driving hours corrected and figured out and I got 100% when I retook my test. I have to retake a few more but I am more optimistic because I usually get it all the second time around. This driving school is so hard! You constantly have to be doing pages of homework, making driving appointments almost every week and pretty much going to two hour classes every other day! I am pretty sure I will be pro when I finish this class.

I also got my books from the History Book Club in the mail today. So I got The Library of Congress World War II Companion edited by David M. Kennedy, Freedom for the Thought We Hate by Anthony Lewis, How the States Got Their Shapes by Mark Stein and The Candy Bombers by Andrei Cherny. I am pretty excited to eat these books up when I have the time.

My tutor also called saying she had a job for me which I am really excited for! She said one of her friends needs a baby sitter and it happens to be that they are only a fifteen minute walk away! She said her friend needs someone to watch her three girls while she is going to school and she will pay me about eight bucks an hour and sometime one weekend my tutor Stephanie wants me to watch her new cat while she is gone for three days. The majority of the money is going to my memory classes that I really want to take. Hooray, I have a summer job!

In Japanese I got to see Fujimara sensei and she really helped me out of a pickle, which was currently my Japanese workbook assignment. She is so amazing and helped me fully understand what we were doing.

Last night I talked to Jake for three or so hours. I love talking to him because he is such a fun guy to talk to; he is one of my best guy buddies. We can talk about whatever and I love how we come from similar situations, like we were both pulled out in fourth grade and did home school. Hated it after a while but he actually left his home to pursue all of his dreams and so far everything is falling into place. Sometime soon it will be mine turn, I can’t wait.

Today was pretty hectic;
I gave myself a lot of stuff to do before I got ready for Prom. It didn’t take
me that long to get ready, maybe just an hour or two. I painted my nails pink
to match my dress. The dress I decided to go with was my goddess flowing one.
It is mocha colored and peach, it’s so cute. I wore it to homecoming last year
but I didn’t have many pictures from that event so technically I haven’t worn it before. I showed and
straightened my hair and whatnot. Cathy was supposed to come over but I had
everything pretty much under control anyways, so I didn’t mind.

We left at around
2:30 and arrived in Sammamish at around 4:00 which was really early! I brought
a huge duffle bag with some extra clothes and things I’d need for emergencies,
like now. I got changed in the car into sweats and decided to go walking around
the park area. My family took pictures by the lake and I came across a couple
of totem poles and took pictures of those too. The park was massive! I didn’t
walk on all the trails and I really wanted to go running but I only brought my
flip flops.

When we got back from
the lake and went to the rest rooms near the parking lot, when I was done I
noticed that there was a guy in a white car that kept starring at me. I wasn’t
sure if he was my friend or not but after a while he got out and said J-Anne? That’s
when I recognized him, it was my buddy Calvin! Since we both arrived early we
just talked pretty much for two or more hours about random stuff. I was really surprised
to see him because he moved to California. He came up here to visit his
girlfriend and visit all his old friends.

Alex was caught up in
traffic so it took him a while to show up but it was alright because I was
talking to Calvin the whole time. When he showed up it was kind of awkward
because instead getting white roses that we both agreed on he got me a white
daisy. The corsage had a stretchy band instead of a ribbon and it didn’t fit my
very skinny wrist so I pulled it up to my arm right above my elbow.

After eating some of
the finger foods we danced. It was kind of awkward the way his danced but he
said I was the one that was off beat which is so not true! He also has some
strange taste in music, really strange and he was serious and tried to request
Octopus Garden by the Beatles, which isn’t a song you can’t really dance to.
The music selection at the dance was alright, it was mostly bad the most time
but they did play some good songs.  My favorite song they played was  Shake it by Metro Station!

On the slow dances we
danced really close but that was because he was tall pretty much, but he was
also pulling me closer to him. Then he pulled away because I am currently with
Jerry dear so he pulled away a couple of times.

Kristen came at last second;
we took pictures, talked and messed around. I had a staring contest with Alex,
Kristen and Calvin. It was pretty spontaneous and fun, over all a wonderful
night.

My friend Robert is moving away soon. I met him during the middle of the school year and we became pretty good friends. Finally I found someone who is genuinely nice to me and really open minded and easy to talk to. He came from one of the American bases from Japan; his father is in the military so he moves around a lot. I was really sad when I heard that he is going to move so I decided to write him a letter. My plan was to give it to him at school the next day and I told him online for the forewarning but we both slept in and just hung out later on in the day. We talked about random stuff for a few hours, I was surprised that we always had something to say. It was really awkward because we were walking though this one neighborhood and there was this old guy taking care of his garden, and he was wearing a bright orange belly shirt with his fat belly sticking out. He ran into his house and pulled out these weird church handout papers, we each got different ones. The one I got pretty much said that girls should do whatever a guy tells her to do, sit at home and just do chores and stuff. Robert got this weird one that we don’t even know what it was trying to get at. Goodness, that guy was scary and weird! I gave my letter to him before we said bye but I told him to read it when he is on the plane, because I personally thought it would be more meaningful that way. He read it early anyways and he said thank you, it was sweet. I hope on catching up with him sometime again. I may be going to Japan but from the looks of it, it doesn’t seem like gas prices are letting up.

When I was mad at my mom I posted an angry but very indirect bulletin on my MySpace just to get it out there to relive my stress. It was kind of weird because one of my friends assumed that I was talking about them, she got mad and posted a bulletin to counter mine indirectly. It was really awkward because the next day she gave me the cold shoulder, pretty much for no reason.

Thankfully it was all sorted out and we love each other again! She apologized and we continued with the original plan of me sleeping over. We watched 27 dresses which was a really good movie but was kind of predictable. Her mom also cooked me pho which isn’t pronounced as its spelt. It is a wonderful tasting Vietnamese dish and it thick noodles, thin slices of beef showed in bean sprouts, lemon, onions and many others I cannot think of, while swimming in one of the most heavenly broths I have ever tasted. It pretty much looks like this.

School is alright. I am trying to not fall asleep in the middle of the day because it is honestly boring. Although I love learning I just don’t like my learning environment.

Thank goodness it is almost summer time and it is almost prom! Alex and I have decided to go full formal and he is ordering a corsage for me and I am ordering a boutonniere for him. I am so excited! I told him to keep it a secret that I am going so no one from the school knows. I can’t wait to see the surprised look on their faces!

Driving school is hard. It is the top driving school around here; they give you so much homework and only a day to do it all! I am really panicking because I didn’t do so well on all the tests they already gave us but I heard you can retake. I am sure I can pass it the next time around. Thank goodness I have this Friday off to study hard.

Today was pretty stressful. It started off with school and people around me nagging about why I showed up to school. It was an assembly day so all the classes were cut short and we didn’t do anything because people were let go for a while to clean out their lockers. Since I am not there much I don’t have a locker but I just chilled with my friends. It got really awkward with my friends because I said I don’t like hanging out at the mall and school assemblies. I explained that I don’t go to this school so I don’t have school spirit and even if I did I still wouldn’t have school spirit because no offence, the stuff they plan are stupid. I’ve done more interesting things personally. I don’t like the mall because I am small so nothing really fits me, I don’t have any money to spend and there isn’t anything to do there. So for some reason they came to the conclusion that I am really hard to please.

Also after driving school I asked my mom if she can get me McDonalds cheese burger because I thought I did well and I have been craving one lately. She said sure because they are pretty much a dollar anyways. I simply asked her along the way, if I can instead use the money that I could have spent on a cheese burger on a movie tomorrow instead but she freaked out, yelled at me for even asking, and then said that I am really selfish and forceful when all I did was just ask. So I cried because she always calls me things that I am not, like opinionated, selfish, and vain and whatever else she can think of which doesn’t make sense. I always get yelled at by just asking a simple question or simply speaking. No offence to my father but screw trying to be nice to her, I am just going to ignore her from now on, it will save me from trouble in the long run anyway. Goodness I hate being misunderstood.

I would have liked to be friends with my mom, I honestly and truly do but if she is going to be really clingy, demanding and rude at me every day that I am alive, a few hours a day every day I don’t think I can take that. I am ready to go to college and make good choices which she should know by now that I am never anyone you would see at a bar or any bizarre looking teen who looks pregnant with tattoos, piercings with an extreme hair color and style. I am more the type of person who is out and about hanging with friends, in a book store or sitting at home doing something rather productive, such as school work or something. I don’t see the reason for her to get all hyped up about. I know she is trying to do it for my “well being” but she has actually held me back emotionally and physically and now I feel like I am being pushed into the world trying to defend myself and everything seems to be moving too quickly. If I am going to become officially independent soon something has got to change right now.

I had my first Drivers ED class today and it wasn’t anything I expected. Our teacher is a retired military and he is tough, which is kind of intimidating. He isn’t mean or rude, he is actually very nice but firm. He begun the class saying that we are adults now and we should be treated like adults, which is new to me because I feel like people never take me seriously and so it feels really weird.

There are about 20 kids in my class but the room is pretty small. There is this one girl in the class that, no offence, is really bizarre. The Drivers ED teacher randomly calls people to read and everyone in the room is in high school so it shouldn’t be a problem. When he called on her she said that she doesn’t know how to read and pleaded not to call on her. It was an awkward moment and he skipped her. Shouldn’t you know how to read by now? If she just said that to cover something up like she was nervous because that’s what my sister thought, shouldn’t you have overcome your fears already?

Anyways I got to drive today for the first time. I have to drive tomorrow with the Drivers ED teacher so I asked my mom if I can practice a bit today. It was the strangest thing ever! Sitting and the passenger’s seat and driving feel so different! I did fine and didn’t crash into anything but it didn’t help with my Asian mother freaking out about everything. When I was going in a straight line she would keep saying speed up and no to fast slow down but I wasn’t drastically doing either and I was at a comfortable middle. I suppose she was just nervous.

It kind of reminds me of the Asian mother video called “Put It in Purse”.