There are so many things that happened over the week! So much to write about so brace yourself!

Michael is going to Youth Convention with me this year! I am so excited! I hope he enjoys himself there and I hope he will enjoy it as much as I did for my first time. Our “deanery” or our group of churches in the area, are riding on the same buses. I am so happy because last year we had a transportation problem of not having enough vans to take us places, so this is just what we need. Donald is going to be my Youth Convention buddy and I can wait to reunite with my Ascend people who I just saw two months ago. One of my friends from Ascend, Jessie wants to hang out sometime around Christmas which sounds like an amazing idea but I can’t believe she is really going out of her way to pick everyone up!

Home coming dance and game happened over the weekend. I thought both of them were pretty lame, to be honest. I am not a hardcore football person so I didn’t know what I was doing most of the time. We did win though, 40 to 17ish. We beat them pretty bad and the other team didn’t show any spirit. The cheerleaders got really tired of dancing and they didn’t know how to dance and their supporting crowd sat down the whole time, like they were ready to sleep or something. During the game Dan was kind of forcing himself on me. He kept saying he was cold and he wanted me to warm him? I simply said no thanks but he tried to get his arm around me about three or four times max, during the whole game but I took his arm and placed it back on his lap. Aren’t I mean?

The dance was worse than the game. The music was really boring and really repetitive. I can tell they were running out of ideas for songs because they played a lot of songs over again. The music was really hard to get into because it was just rap all the time. I wish they had more selection and maybe a music request box would help. You couldn’t even request songs! We went to Panda Inn for our dinner and after the dance we went to Shari’s. My parents got mad because I didn’t tell them I would be going to a restaurant afterwards even though I called them as soon as I could. They were also mad that I stayed out kind of late, but whatever. I wish they could just let me be sometimes.

I’ve been on the happy side though. I changed up my MySpace so now it is more fitted for my mood.

I have also got my infatuation for Michael back again, it is an on and off thing that has been happening since I met him. So lately I was thinking what would it be like if I dated him and I wouldn’t ask him out but if he asked me I would think about it a bit more and maybe say yes? I don’t know, he hasn’t cheated on anyone before and he is a really lame romantic, but romantic none the less, with a good heart. I am not thrilled with the fact he already had sex, if I dated him I would feel so dirty. Yes, dirty.

Which brings me into the subject of Jerry, who likes me and I kind of like him but he has had sex a lot of times before which really bothers me and I don’t think I have told him that yet but it is expected. Jerry, Michael and whoever else doesn’t expect sex from me or anything because they are both clearly aware that I will not give it to them but why are these people attracted to me? Jerry has been acting all flirty with me for quite a while now. I really hate his mood swings though, when I think we are progressing and becoming stronger it seems to go back to the beginning which reminds me of the song lyrics I heard last night.

99 1/2 it just won’t do
You gotta give me all of you

Not asking too much of a heart that’s true
So tell me…
What’s the name of the game that we are playing
But whenever I think that we are winning
Then you roll the dice take a slide
Right back to the one from 99
Is it gonna go on like this forever
Are we gonna to take that last step together
Going round and round and up and down
Feels just like snakes and ladders

I don’t really like the game of snakes and ladders honestly because you have to be really lucky not to go on some slides. I always fall on the biggest ladder right before the finish line that takes you all the way back to the beginning. Anyways, I don’t see myself getting serious with Jerry; because I don’t think his is entirely serious about me either.

I decided to do a follow-up of that pretty hectic day. My parents decided to have a “talk” with me about Donald and it ended well. I guess we both learned our lesson. This morning my mom told me to give Donald a note; I was really surprised and caught off guard! It was a happy letter apologizing for the way she was quick to judge. She said she would give him a chance and maybe come over sometime. This is just blowing my mind! What the heck! That’s awesome! This made all the retarded things from yesterday blow out of my head.

I was really glad to see my booger Michael yesterday!

I need to get to my Youth Convention plans but I can’t find all my papers! That is frustrating but I am quite happy at the moment. Youth Group is tomorrow and we are having an American Idol night, we are going to karaoke!

Recently I have been really tempted to do something with Rickey. It sounds weird but I want to pull his cute pony tail, not hard but in a teasing yet ever so slightly sexual way. I am basically saying, hey you, I’m still alive, so stop ignoring me! I was also messing around about that with Henry today. Henry likes hearing my weirdo stories and he thinks my life is a romantic comedy and I said what romance? I am still firm on Rickey, I don’t want to date him but I can’t help from looking at him! His brother Nathan doesn’t seem to like me at all. He always acts weird whenever I am with Cathy but I have never done anything to him!

I am also worried about my ever so lovely Devon. I have no reason, I just am. I think he is doing better, or so he says. It’s so weird yet funny because I think we talk too much that neither of us have anything to say anymore.

Here is a link to Justin also known as Xtagon, playing guitar.

One of the worst feelings in the world is failing yourself and other people. There is so much pressure for me to act a certain way, and sometimes I ask myself are you really yourself anymore? I am so frustrated and stressed to the point I can literally pass out and throw up. Today was supposed to be a simply happy day to hang out with my friends, family and maybe catch up with my school but you know something simple can turn into a “cluster fuck”?  -Dane Cook

Today Donald called, not knowing my mother was home and listening to the phone call he said something along the line of, I am so pissed I am going to come over and slit your fucking throat. I knew he was joking but on the other hand my mother did not, so she was screaming and I can tell she was really hurt by the tone of her voice. The words that Donald said keep repeating itself in my head even though this happened a few hours ago. I know that I will get yelled at later but that is not the point!

I shouldn’t tolerate this language from anyone and I haven’t made this clear to all my friends. So therefore this is my fault and I am beating the crap out of myself for this. Am I going to keep gaining and losing my trust with my mother like this? How long is this going to keep up until she won’t trust me at all? I don’t know but I am going to suck it up and work with it because that is the only option I have at this point.

I was happy I got to sleep over at Cathy’s house last night. We spent the night talking to this kid Jordan, from my Japanese class, Dan and Samuel. It was really weird but I got to know one of my classmates better. I am really silent in my Japanese class. My friend Hombee said I am going under the radar, trying not to attract attention. After the homecoming dance I will talk more, I just don’t want any more strange people asking me out.

Cathy won her school election; she is the sophomore treasurer now! Everything is going so well for her; I have to admit I am a tad bit envious. She also has the thing I want most, the perfect guy, smart, attractive and committed, just to name a few. I hope I meet him soon because I have been waiting for a long time and I don’t think I can wait for much longer. Even though I slept over at Cathy’s house she made me really sad a few days before that but I never told her. I don’t remember what she said entirely she was having one of those; “I’m superior” moments again.

I also made a promise to myself that I would never hold myself back in my blog no matter who reads it. That’s why my blog is very hush-hush.

Grilled Watermelon Slices with a Honey-Lime Syrup

Several slices watermelon
Some honey for brushing watermelon slices

Juice of 2 limes
A couple of pinches of lime zest
2 tbsp honey
2 tsp water
A few dashes of cayenne pepper
A couple of pinches of salt

Preheat grill to high. Cut watermelon into 1-inch thick slices. Brush each side lightly with some honey and place on grill. Grill until just browned, about 2 minutes per side. Place watermelon slices on a plate and drizzle with the honey-lime syrup.

This would be an interesting thing to cook during the summer time.

http://www.tastespotting.com/

Gosh, I have the longest fuse ever! I don’t understand how I have the patience to put up with my mother every single day! My mother keeps complaining how she doesn’t like her job, her reasons are really dumb and her work isn’t that hard. Why is she so whiny? I have to keep up school work with all the ridiculous chores and other crazy things she makes me do at last second. I haven’t gotten any good sleep lately so I haven’t had the energy to do anything more than my school work, give me a break! I get yelled at before cleaning, during cleaning and after cleaning when I do a spotless job. My dad praises me for doing such a spectacular job and she just gets mad.

I don’t think my mother is ready for the “real world” and I don’t even think she is ready for anything. She makes herself sound busy all the time and she drags me into her chores. She can’t drive by herself meaning, someone HAS to drive with her. I have to stop my life, no matter what I am doing for her sake. No, I don’t have a choice. I just get a lot of negative crap from her. She is slowing down my life! I want a lot of school work with time to hang out with my friends. Time is flying by fast and if I continue living in this house then I will never grow. I honestly haven’t grown to be a better person while under this roof and I am really losing all motivation completely but I won’t let myself give up now!

I can almost taste freedom. I dream about it all the time. My ultimate lifestyle is a happy productive one which is the opposite of where I am now. I will continue to work hard, keep dreaming and slowly inch my way closer to my dreams. I am going to graduate next year even if I have to kill myself with studying. I have to keep my motivation going because I am slowly loosing it. I will be taking my drivers permit this Sunday and I will have the house spotless tomorrow so on Friday my dad can come to a spotless clean house.

I am happy that I slept well for two days. I also got some really weird dreams that seemingly circle around Rickey, but why? I won’t go into depth because it’s pretty mundane but he did kiss me on the cheek and it felt weird. Cathy and Donald think he is an ugly monkey that may be true except for the ugly part. Last night when I was on the phone with Cathy, I realized I tend to like monkey people, like Rickey. She also thinks that monkeys are stupid, pathetic and weak and I come in to “mother” monkey people. I just now noticed that. It’s so fun putting people as animals. Cathy thinks I’m a horse. I guess I kind of look like a horse type person and the funny thing is my Chinese zodiac and my horoscopes revolve around horses. I am a Sagittarius, and it is a half horse/man person, also known as Centaurs’. I was also born in the year of the horse, fancy that.

Thank God Microsoft word has an unlimited undo button. I just erased everything and just got it back!

I gave Donald his Birthday Card on Monday and his face was priceless! Oh my goodness, I love myself sometimes. Cathy and I are getting ready for the homecoming on the 13^th and we already have most things planed out. We have about ten or more people in our party group and we are going to eat at the Panda Inn. I want to go shopping for my dress sometime soon, if not, then I will wear a cute brown dress, I guess. Michael has been coming to me for his problems and I am glad. He might visit this weekend! There is no school on Monday for Columbus Day, hooray for that! December 3^rd is when SSMBB will be coming out! I feel lucky this year for our church, we hired two couples to help with our youth group and they seem to be a lot of fun! We played the “Baby, I love you” game and it was hilarious! Sensei called on me out of nowhere today! I was so happy! I am also becoming mute, seriously. I don’t even bother to speak anymore I find it entirely pointless sometimes. I am starting to keep more things in my head or on paper or something, it’s really weird.

These videos make me want to get a hamster.

One of the songs I want to play on piano one day.

Isn’t this crazy? This is a crazy South Korean snack food.

A whole, deep fried spiral-cut potato with tangy cheese powder.

I can’t find the recipe but I prefer to try it fresh from the country itself.

From what I see, it’s clearly a bunny. That’s the way i’ve always seen it.