I have been debating what to do with my Xanga; I always love considering my options. I wanted my Xanga to be public and private at the same time. At first I wanted it completely public but I was aiming to be somewhat anonymous, which didn’t work out because my e-mail is linked to this page. That was one of the smartest moves I ever made. Anyways, I also looked into other online blogging communities and I am pleased to announce that I couldn’t find anything that was a sleek with an amazing supporting online community like Xanga.

I think one of the reasons why Xanga is so amazing is because it is filled with intellectual people who love to express themselves, which naturally excludes people who just simply don’t care. Almost everyone here opens up their thoughts and feelings though writing, and sometimes take time to read someone else’s work. I haven’t seen one user who hasn’t been sympathetic and understanding. Xanga seems to be a safe haven for online hate, from what I see anyways.

So yeah, after a long debate with myself I am going to keep my Xanga because it rocks! I was going to go with a traditional diary but I write to dang slow while my brain is thinking at a thousand miles per hour.
School is almost out! I am so excited for summer in some ways. I am going to be really busy though and I hope I can be productive without wearing myself out and still have time for some fun. I am going to take driving school finally and I have submitted some job applications, though I highly doubt with the direction our economy is headed that I will be hired. Companies are focused on cutting down and saving money than spending money on a new employee. I still remain optimistic despite this because I could just clean out my house and stock up on food if we go into a great depression or something. I know that sounds crazy but I’ve been predicting the next worse thing, one after-the-other.
Speaking of current affairs, I got Ron Paul’s new book called, The Revolution: A Manifesto. I haven’t gotten a chance to read the whole thing yet because I have school books that still need finishing.

Lately I have been so in love with reading books!

Safari helps me keep track of all the books I plan to read, already read and currently reading!

Wow, it’s already May, time sure does fly. I haven’t written in a while. It was my unwritten new year’s resolution to write in my Xanga often but things don’t really turn out the way I plan.

The weather is warming up, and the school year is almost over. It is kind of weird that I will be a senior next year. Everything seems to happen so fast! I’ve been working decently hard at school but solving my sleeping problem comes first. I have been sleeping well some days, and bad on others. I think my sleeping problem is stress and habit problems more than anything else. Then again, I was about nine when this sleeping problem started and I had good habits then.

One of the big events that happened was my Confirmation. I am finally confirmed! I was really nervous because it was really important to me but I really didn’t like going to the weekly classes. I asked my friend Cathy to help me get ready; she also invited our friend Melissa who did a wonderful job on my makeup! I had so much fun dressing up and taking pictures of me in my dress. It really boosted my self-esteem, which I think I needed because I don’t like myself most of the time because of acne problems and whatnot. After my friend Melissa enhances my pictures I will post them.

My brothers birthday and band concert are also recent. He turned twelve on April 26. I helped set up his birthday party and monitored all his friends. I was irritated on the majority of kids that were being rude. There was one nice kid named Tommy who seemed like a little angel, and I enjoyed playing Brawl with him.

I bought Brawl a few months ago. It is pretty amazing but there are some pros and cons I want to talk about. Brawl is the third Super Smash Brothers game and I have to say so far, number two is still better. The first con I noticed was how slow the game-play was. The Wii will update itself just for SSBB and the first couple of games will be laggy but the more you play the less laggy it will be. In generally the overall game-play speed compared to melee is a lot slower, maybe because the disks are larger on the new Nintendo system. I think I would have to choose speed of this game over variety of game-play options. Although, one player story mode went extremely well. Personally I think the sticker option is lame and some of the items. They have more Pokemon choices but the majority of the time you will get a lame Pokemon that doesn’t do anything. Also there are a few items that are like specks on the screen. The items I am referring to are the Franklin Badge, Smart Bomb and the Screw Attack. I’d give this game a 8.5 out of 10.

For any of you that want to challenge me in Brawl my brawling code is 1418-6388-5747.

Wow, it’s already May, time sure does fly. I haven’t written in a while. It was my unwritten new year’s resolution to write in my Xanga often but things don’t really turn out the way I plan.

The weather is warming up, and the school year is almost over. It is kind of weird that I will be a senior next year. Everything seems to happen so fast! I’ve been working decently hard at school but solving my sleeping problem comes first. I have been sleeping well some days, and bad on others. I think my sleeping problem is stress and habit problems more than anything else. Then again, I was about nine when this sleeping problem started and I had good habits then.

One of the big events that happened was my Confirmation. I am finally confirmed! I was really nervous because it was really important to me but I really didn’t like going to the weekly classes. I asked my friend Cathy to help me get ready; she also invited our friend Melissa who did a wonderful job on my makeup! I had so much fun dressing up and taking pictures of me in my dress. It really boosted my self-esteem, which I think I needed because I don’t like myself most of the time because of acne problems and whatnot. After my friend Melissa enhances my pictures I will post them.

My brothers birthday and band concert are also recent. He turned twelve on April 26. I helped set up his birthday party and monitored all his friends. I was irritated on the majority of kids that were being rude. There was one nice kid named Tommy who seemed like a little angel, and I enjoyed playing Brawl with him.

I bought Brawl a few months ago. It is pretty amazing but there are some pros and cons I want to talk about. Brawl is the third Super Smash Brothers game and I have to say so far, number two is still better. The first con I noticed was how slow the game-play was. The Wii will update itself just for SSBB and the first couple of games will be laggy but the more you play the less laggy it will be. In generally the overall game-play speed compared to melee is a lot slower, maybe because the disks are larger on the new Nintendo system. I think I would have to choose speed of this game over variety of game-play options. Although, one player story mode went extremely well. Personally I think the sticker option is lame and some of the items. They have more Pokemon choices but the majority of the time you will get a lame Pokemon that doesn’t do anything. Also there are a few items that are like specks on the screen. The items I am referring to are the Franklin Badge, Smart Bomb and the Screw Attack. I’d give this game a 8.5 out of 10.

For any of you that want to challenge me in Brawl my brawling code is 1418-6388-5747.

Remember to send your brawl code or else we can’t link up!

WARNING: This turnip does massive damage and may cause an instant kill!

I have been holding a lot of things in for a very long time. I used to have people coming and going on my xanga page and I would like everything to be in the open yet I want no one to know who I am, because some of my readers know me in real life.

This is everything thats burdening me. Number one is my suposed best friend Cathy. I feel really bad by what she has gone though and everything and I do my best to be there and support her and everything. I just feel that I don’t get the same in return or maybe I am just over thinking? Recently I asked her to come to my confirmation, one of the most important things I’ve been looking forward to for a while. I told her ahead of time so she wouldn’t get mad and so she wouldn’t have plans with anyone else. Well I guess I didn’t tell her soon enough but she was planning to go to the movies with Carl her boyfriend and she really sounded irritated when I asked her to go. She also sounded irritated when she was about to come over because she didn’t think she had to dress up. She also invited our friend Melissa which was nice but she didn’t think of asking for my permission even though it was my confirmation she was going to. I am assuming that she invited Melissa only to ease her bordom. I am just trying to say, it’s manners to invite someone to someone else’s thing. Also after eating she said something along the lines of, im bored I want to go home,want to come? Which is also rude but I didn’t mind she wanted to go home but she also was pulling me away from talking to other people aswell. I just wish she could of asked more kindly, to ask is it ok to leave or something rather than bluntly implying I could be doing something better than this. She also said something today that is still picking at my brain. For a while she has been saying that my “About me” section on myspace is to long but today she said and Melissa was saying that people with long sections describing themselfs are conceited. Which was obviously implying that I am conceited? I don’t know but this little nit-picking really needs to stop. I am going to try to talk to her soon or something but her constant mad tone of voice is driving me insane because it reminds me of my mother. I also feel like I have to suck up to her not to get that tone of voice but it never works, plus I don’t need two mother sounding like figures in my life.

Ok done!

Cake

12 ounces butter, room temperature

1 pound almond paste

1 3/4 cups sugar

3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons cocoa powder

8 large eggs

Filling and Glaze

4 ounces 82% dark chocolate, melted

6 ounces butter, cut into small cubes

8 ounces 70% dark chocolate, chopped

For the cake: You will need a half-sheet pan 12 in x 17 in x 1in. Line the pan with parchment paper. If you use parchment paper, butter and flour it after placing it in the pan.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In an electric mixer, beat the butter and almond paste together on medium speed for about 5 minutes until it is very light and fluffy, scraping down the sides as necessary.

Add the sugar and cocoa and continue blending together on low speed.

Increase the speed to medium and add the eggs one a time, letting each egg incorporate before adding the next.

Let the batter mixing for a couple more minutes until it has lightened in color.

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and spread evenly. Bake for about 25 minutes, until the center is just set – it may feel slightly spongy but a skewer inserted into the center should come out clean. Warning: the cake will rise above the top of the pan but it should not spill over – you may want to check halfway through the baking time and once afterwards.

Remove the cake from the oven place on a cooling rack. Run a knife all around the edge of the pan. After cooling about 10 minutes, turn the cake out onto the rack and let it finish cooling.

The cake should be chilled in the refrigerator for about 20 minutes before you cut it as it will be quite soft and moist.

To fill and glaze cakes: Using a 2 1/2-in cutter of your choice. Cut out shapes from the sheet of cake.

Brush or pour some of the melted 82% chocolate over half of the shapes, and top with the remaining shapes. Let the cakes sit for a few minutes for the chocolate to set. Place the cakes on a wire rack over a sheet pan, spacing them a few inches apart so you can glaze each one easily.

Place the butter and 70% chocolate in a bowl over a bain-marie and melt over low heat, whisking occasionally. When the chocolate is mostly melted, take the bowl off the heat, and whisk gently to finish combining. Transfer the glaze to a measuring cup with a spout.

Pour the glaze over the center of each cake, using an offset spatula to spread glaze over the sides. The glaze does not need to evenly cover the sides. If the entire glaze is used up, scrape the fallen glaze from the sheet pan below the rack and reheat to melt.

Let the cakes sit until the glaze sets, then serve.

This is my first blog of the year! I haven’t written in a while because of laziness and being slightly busy.

Summing up my last year, I felt it was generally boring but had some interesting parts to it. I thought in the beginning of the year was a big technology boom, I can’t remember what came out in the beginning of 2007 but I just remember it was pretty awesome. I remember I was still in my online courses and it was sucking almost every single day, it was incredibly boring especially when all you would do in a day is stare at a computer screen, eat, sleep and poop. I think I have come to my boredom breaking point; I simply can’t take sitting around all day and doing nothing or constantly doing things I don’t like, for example, chores and school work. I don’t want to be mistaken for most stereotypical teenagers who whine when they are bored which would happen to be every few seconds or so, and I think I do very well on keeping myself very entertained but I’ve had enough!

I have been homeschooled for about six years or so, which was actually fun but you cannot continue something like this isolated forever. You can be homeschooled and be perfectly social but you should have more than two extracurricular activities a week along with it. I am actually quite social and fortunate to make all the friends that I have in my life time, but my extracurricular activities is simply whatever my mom’s schedule is or church. I love church but I want more Varity in my life, I can take on something else and keep my church thing going. My mother gets pissed off every time she has to spend money on me or do something for me so I try not to ask her for stuff.

I truly envy parents who encourage their kids and take advantage of their talents by sending them to classes, or parents who expose their children to many different things at their young age. Like language, culture and events because even though I am half Asian my mother didn’t speak that language to me and I didn’t know much about the culture. I understand my father’s reasoning that he didn’t want me to be mixing tagalong and English together. He wouldn’t be home enough to enforce my English because he was in the military.

Sometimes I feel so talentless, when I talk to some people and they talk about their passion for whatever it is that they do. I want to play piano so badly this year, and singing lessons. I’ve already asked my mom and she threw a hissy fit over it because one, it cost money and she doesn’t like spending money on me and she thinks it will distract me for school. I think, more than anything it will help me improve in school because people who play instruments are generally smarter than people who don’t. Anyways, when I am older I want to support my children and let them explore the world, and not keep them from it. I’d raise my children a lot more differently than my mother raised me.

I am kind of straying away from the main subject. The interesting parts of last year was the Insight Semi-Formal Prom, Cathy’s Freshman Dance, Homecoming dance, Ascend Leadership Camp and Youth Convention, were all of the “big” events I can think of. Also the little things like going to the mall with friends and sleepovers. I went to melee tournaments which were really fun! I also loved my birthday party and I’m very thankful that everything went smoothly. I got my 80gb zune for Christmas! I also love my spotless clean room and the new habits I made before the year was over.

The things I don’t like as much is the increased arguments between me and my parents. I hate the fact that they treat me like I’m not capable of being responsible and that I’m stupid and never believe what I say until their “good child” speaks and says the exact same thing. I don’t like how they degrade me every day to the point that I don’t care what happens to my parents.

Most times when people can support themselves, they sometimes send part of their money to their parents as a thank you, and a payback for what they’ve done. I don’t see myself doing that, or if I do it would be like, take your money and leave me alone kind of thing. I also don’t want my mother babysitting my kids ever; I don’t want her screwing up their English like she did to me. You don’t know how hard it is just to speak proper English every day, or put my thoughts into words. Asian English has screwed up my life forever, and I hope when I move out it will go away.

Although there are so many good and bad things that happened this year, I am doing my best to remain optimistic and slowly work my way on getting out of this house.

Sometimes I feel really alone and sad when it comes to my feelings on this. No one really understands how important this is to me but I’ve always thought, when there is no one to pick you up, do it yourself, it’s the trials and tribulations that eventually shape who you are; it’s simply a part of life.

She’s all alone it feels
Feels like it’s all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

There are so many things that happened since my last entry rambling about Jerry and whatnot. Well that relationship with him and that girl didn’t work out and he came crawling back to me. A few days later he was like wow, now I must really come off as a jerk huh. I said, well yeah duh, and he asked for me back and I said no because I know it is going to end up the same and I rather date someone who is more thoughtful to other people’s feelings. Ha burn! So I haven’t talked to him much since.

My birthday party on December 1^st was pretty fun. Almost all my friends that I invited got to come over, except the people who I mailed the invites to got the wrong date. That’s ok though because it all still worked out. We played video games and my mom cooked two random recipes that everyone liked. It snowed so much on that day, I think it was about two or three inches! I also showed everyone how to play old maid and the looser had to do something silly. I remember Cathy was the first one who lost and she had to lift me ten times! The second looser had to run down stairs and scream to the adult guests “I got it from my mama!” to everyone. We never really got around to the third looser because no one decided what was good enough, I said someone should run on the snow barefooted across my yard but everyone was like eh, no. I loved the presents that everyone gave me, and some of my friends were nice enough to buy my sister presents too even though they don’t know her.

Hmm, other than that nothing entirely happened.

I now have a love for photography!

Alright, since that day I have been irritated. Since we weren’t officially dating he trashed me. Here is how this mornings’ conversation went.

J-Anne: pookie i just want to let you know i am not mad at you at all, even though what you did was pretty mean

J-Anne: alright

Jerry: what was mean, me finding my long lost sweetheart?

J-Anne: no no

J-Anne: basically likeing me, acting on it, then quickly changing your mind

Jerry: so you expected me to tell her no, and not show any emotion towards her because i was talking to you, from 2 states away?

J-Anne: no i wasn’t expecting you to tell her no, but if you knew you were’t going to be serious with me why bother flirting with me at all

J-Anne: and regardless how far away i am, i am still a person, with feelings

Jerry: i didn’t know she was comming into my life and it just happened

J-Anne: well, im sure regardless of if she came in or not, you would of went out with anyone near you anyways but why did you bother me in the first place?

J-Anne: if you knew it wasn’t going to last

Jerry: i didn’t know it wasn’t going to last

J-Anne: hm, im sure you did knowing that i am far away

J-Anne: im sure you thought about it

Jerry: ya its kind of obvious that your far away, since you told me from the first time i talked to you

J-Anne: pish dear, just because im far away isn’t exactly a obstical for me, you should of said it was for you

J-Anne: my longest was a long distance, for three years

Jerry: didn’t see it as a problem

Jerry: did you at least go and see that person?

J-Anne: yes i saw them before i dated haha

J-Anne: but he lives across the waters now

J-Anne: anyways

J-Anne: it’s just, i don’t know how to put this entirely but i thought it was pretty random your recent change of heart i suppose, yeah, of course i didn’t like it, but im over it but i don’t think i could ever “like like” you again, we are better of as just friends from now on anyways

J-Anne: k?

Jerry: you know what

Jerry: thanks

J-Anne: hm?

J-Anne: for…. what?

J-Anne: pishh so your going to leave me hanging now?

Jerry went away at 10:07:26 AM.

What the heck does he mean by thanks? I knew he wouldn’t get far anyways; I am pretty much over this. I can find a much sexier man that treats me right.

Kristen is sleeping over and that’s cool. Tutoring went amazingly well today and I am looking forward to next weeks assignments. I should be caught up with my Japanese by this weekend although I am not looking forward to this quarter’s report card. My mom is being a looser as usual, I was supposed to go to the movie theaters to see enchanted but she wouldn’t let me.

Alright, since that day I have been irritated. Since we weren’t officially dating he trashed me. Here is how this mornings’ conversation went.

What the heck does he mean by thanks? I knew he wouldn’t get far anyways; I am pretty much over this. I can find a much sexier man that treats me right.

Kristen is sleeping over and that’s cool. Tutoring went amazingly well today and I am looking forward to next weeks assignments. I should be caught up with my Japanese by this weekend although I am not looking forward to this quarter’s report card. My mom is being a looser as usual, I was supposed to go to the movie theaters to see enchanted but she wouldn’t let me.

I’ve been really lazy lately when it comes to checking up on my Xanga. I haven’t been in the Xanga mood lately but that’s ok whatever.

On November 28^th was my birthday, hooray! I was wished happy birthday by a lot of people and continue to get birthday greetings. I had about two high lights of that day.  Michael, gothic boy or “booger” as I like to call him, started swing dancing! I still can’t get over it; it’s something I thought he would never try! I applaud him for his awesomeness in trying something new and doing some extra activities. He refuses to do sports and things like that. The second highlight is when my friend Donald went out of his way to say happy birthday to me, even though he felt like crap because someone at our school committed suicide and he just happened to know him. I tried my best to cheer him up and told him about a stupid situation with my mother. When my mother picked me up like usual and said out of nowhere, your pretty today even though I didn’t feel like it to, I am prettier, to don’t be conceded! This happened all in a row, about less than ten minutes! Anyways, I think it helped Donald feel better, or at least I hope it did. Everyone in the table was dying of laughter.

I am excited for my birthday party which is on December 1^st, Saturday. I hope everything works out, and that I don’t bore anyone. I think Rickey might have found out about it, because he is acting a little weird. I didn’t invite him because we are acquaintances and he doesn’t make much of an effort to talk or hang out with me aside from school.

Jerry and I are doing all right. I feel that I need to distance myself from him because we aren’t “officially dating” meaning, I am someone he just messes around with and I don’t go for that. I am a tad bit heartbroken at the moment, because a few minutes ago when I was talking to him he said that he saw a really old friend from sixth grade. The way he brought her out was kind of awkward. This is what he said.

Jerry: but ya im going to head on out, i have to meet ”someone” that i haven’t seen in years

J-Anne: haha mike?

Jerry: like 7 years i haven’t seen ”her”

J-Anne: ooOOOohh thats cute

J-Anne: from jr high or something?

Jerry: before that

J-Anne: elementary

Jerry: last time we saw each other was 6th grade

J-Anne: wow!

J-Anne: thats a long time

J-Anne: and you still remember eachother?

Jerry: i saw her working at a autobody shop and i knew it was her

J-Anne: haha cute

Jerry: so i got those digits and asked her out

J-Anne: lol thats nice

Jerry: anyways, i have to get ready

J-Anne: kk

Jerry: i’ll let you know the details

J-Anne: ttul bye bye!

I don’t really know what he means by “asked her out” because it might of simply mean hang out maybe? Point is, I am jealous and I think he likes her so I am going to distance myself and let it slide. I saw something stupid like this coming from a mile away, because we aren’t “officially dating”.

I am slowly starting to lose hope in a thing called love. I know I am young and I shouldn’t worry about it but still everyone wants to be loved, including myself. Why do guys have to be so clueless sometimes? Whatever, I hope that whoever is “out there” for me will continue to wait, or maybe hurry up and find me because I am tired. I might be over thinking this though.

So much has happened since my last entry but I am too lazy to write it out in detail.

I got a jacket, finally!

My birthday is coming soon but no idea what to do for the party.

Sensei seems really disappointed in my performance in class but he sucks at teaching!

I might just switch schools because he is so bad.

I’ve been depressed lately because my mother is getting to me again.

I am not a loud singer, but I am a good singer.

My mom was putting me down about that and she wouldn’t stop.

 She doesn’t know how to give constructive criticism.

I hate being in choir, as well as other church things, I am over loaded.

I wish my mother would let me focus on school more especially since I will be graduating soon.

I am not adjusting to Jerry well.

Since I’ve known him for 4 years and he has only been nice for 4 months, it’s hard adjusting.

Friend wise, we are doing quite well.

Rickey got a really cute haircut, and he got some cute glasses.

Samuel is being a pain in the butt.

I am not in a good mood because my mother never lets me use my free time the way I please. Friday she cut off my internet for no reason and this morning I woke up to her ugly voice telling me to get ready to leave to get the flu shot, once I was up she changed her mind and said we weren’t going. Before she said she wasn’t going Cathy invited me to go to the mall so I had to turn her down, knowing I was going to get the flu shot but neither of the two is happening. While she was yelling at me in the morning she said that my jacket will be my birthday present which brought me to my current depressed state. She always buys me stuff to live and she refuses to get me anything else. I thought maybe I could get my music player but I suppose that won’t be happening at all. She complains that I always ask her for stuff, which is true to an extent, I always ask her things like clothing and things to organize the house, basically all the stuff I need but she always says no. So I never get anything but she always complains how I always ask or things but I said I never get anything so what’s the problem?

She should have bought me a jacket anyways because I am really cold in the morning. It gets around forty to fifty degrees over here! I’ve only asked her for things I need all year, what is the big deal? We aren’t poor or anything. She is so stupid. Here is the thing I hate most; while I don’t get anything my sister gets everything. It’s because she is the “good” daughter, so therefore I am automatically the “bad” daughter and no matter what I do I cannot get out of this title that they have given me. My sister isn’t all that great, and when she does something bad it isn’t a big deal. I’ve been good all the time and they don’t say anything but when I do something little like forget or didn’t know about something I should have done, they nag about how bad I am. It is really hard to get out of titles that your parents randomly give to you.

My birthday is coming up and I don’t know if I should even celebrate it. I don’t want to be sad on my birthday and my mom is being really retarded about it. First she said how about you don’t have a birthday and give all the money we would have spent on the party on charity for the church. I was like, NO! Then she said it’s going to be such hard work even though we all know she doesn’t have to cook because we always order and I end up cleaning the house anyways. What is the big deal?

Yesterday I promised to call Mark at 4:00 but I couldn’t because of my mom’s impulsive planning. We went to church instead for adoration, which was only supposed to be an hour but ended up to be two hours. I like church and I like God but my brother wouldn’t shut up, so I didn’t enjoy it at all. When I got to talk to Mark it always seems like he is scattered brained. Like he doesn’t know what on earth he is doing and he is always in panic mode. It also takes him forever to get though a story with a simple point to it. I missed the way he used to be, when he was sane. I know he’s had it hard and everything and he doesn’t talk to anyone but me and Michael, which is once a month or less but I am getting tired of dealing with depressing, annoying things like this. I talked to Dan yesterday and we talk everyday which is nice but it is annoying because all he talks about is how his relationships isn’t working. It is one of those stupid situations which is completely avoidable and yet the person won’t get over it and move on. I think I want to take a vacation from my cell phone, for a few weeks or something because all it does is piss me off. I need to distance myself from these kinds of people who are always negative and make friends with people who are more positive and will get me somewhere.

Last weekend Cathy was mad when she read my blog because I wrote some things about her that she didn’t know about. On the happier note we talked it out and I said I would talk to her about things that bothered me if she would listen and work things out. So I thought that was pretty cool and so with that said; we shouldn’t have many problems in the future.

School is very stupid. My homeschooling thing is going decently well but my Japanese class sucks. When I compared my Japanese class to my friends’ Japanese class I seem to know absolutely nothing compared to them. I only know all 46 hiragana characters and that’s it, no sentences, I can’t speak anything. While he is doing almost everything! I’ll manage somehow but it is frustrating.