With all this relationship babble I realize I need to do something greater with my life. If all I complain about is about my ex-boyfriend then I lose the sight of bigger things in life that are more important than my sometimes sad attempts at love.

I’ve decided to go back to school. Just in the nick-of-time too! I didn’t go to school this quarter I would lose my military brat benefits and I would have to hunt down new health insurance but that wasn’t the push that got me to get into school again.

Michaels phone had been down for a while and he could only receive my text but he couldn’t reply to them. He told me he appreciated me keeping him informed with what’s going on even though he can’t reply. I had work this one day and I texted him around 2pm that I would be visiting him again in the evening, sometime around five or six. I told him it is such a long ways away from and that I would give him a more accurate time of visiting when it gets closer to that hour. I was really excited to see him again because the past days when I did visit him were fantastic.

I speed over there as fast as I could when I said I was on my way. The normal commute especially during the rush hour would be about fourty-five mins but I did it in twenty. ;D Anyways, when I got there he was outside and there were a lot of other guys there. When I got to him he looked up at me all sad and said I just got all your texts you sent earlier. I was… sad. Basically I hung around aimlessly for a while because they were getting ready to play a serious game of Dungeons and Dragons.

I didn’t mind what he called his “nerd moment” or whatever. I am a nerd too but I hated this “vibe”. The vibe I got in the room was a bunch of un-aspiring and uninspiring dudes smoking cigs and pot. These people are stuck, stuck in this zone of nothingness and emptiness. They take up space and air, they are physically living but spiritually dead.

I dislike this feeling so much and I am so upset that I spent my gas money to visit and I speed all the way home. The first thing I do is spend several hours on the computer calculating what is the easiest program I can get into with a good amount of money. How long is it going to take me to complete this program and would it be do-able while I am working full time? Yes, all these answers came to me in my crisis moment of the night.

I decided on the Medical Receptionist program. Expected completion date is 2-3 quarters. From there I would enter the Medical Billing & Coding program and aspire to be an intelligent coder of as many languages as this brain can handle. This way I can take it easy and make a decent amount of money for the much bigger leap in life which looks like a 2-4 year college.

I just don’t want to be a broke college student going to school while working a minimum wage job, no way! I will work on my little job from now and make sure that I can make about fifteen dollars a hour or more (which I will) while going to school and living out on my own.

I never want to be like those people I saw that day. I want my life to be filled with upbeat people who aspire to be great things. I want to live a good, honest and clean life filled with happiness and love. I didn’t see all those things that day and I will do whatever it takes to get to my “happy place”.

Michael and I have met briefly last week and hung out for two days before the work week started up again. Those were some of my two best days with him in a long time and I wish we could have had more days together similar to that. We simply went out by going on hiking adventures and playing videogames ect. He even didn’t smoke pot around me the whole time and cigs. It was incredible!

Regardless, he is showing the effort that he wants to be in a relationship with me. He is taking me seriously after I had a long talk with him but I am not sure if it’s enough.

I see a lot of problems still. Some of them gets solved and new ones come up but I suppose that is the way it goes.

The new problem right now is that he doesn’t want me to hang out with my guy friends? He said in one of our many serious talks that I need to start “acting like I am in a relationship” and stop hanging out with my guy friends. He clarified to say that he just doesn’t like the one-on-one thing (understandable). Michael feels uncomfortable with not knowing who any of my friends are and how I am very vague about where I am going, with who and for how long. These are all understandable things.

I feel that this is a sign of insecurity and immaturity because I have never had this problem with any of my past relationships. None of my boyfriends had a problem with me going out and hanging out with my guy friends at all. They know I am loyal, honest and absolutely loving within the relationship that I am in. That last thing I am not is untrustworthy and shady. I feel that if I have done something questionable or untrustworthy he could have full and entire reasoning to treat me this way. Since I am not that kind of person and I am not in this situation I feel like I am a prisoner locked up for a crime that I haven’t even thought about committing. If I were to go through with this I am going to be super depressed without my friends regardless of their genders.

I am also under the impression that I am supposed to be suppressed and unopinionated. I feel that when we hang out together it always has to be planned under his rules with his hours.  When I think of the past, I remember my attempts to plan something it never works out. It’s like he asks for my opinion that he doesn’t really want.

Perhaps it is way for him to gain control of me somehow; maybe I could be misunderstanding him? As far as I am concerned he wants me to be dependant when I am completely independent and I do not need a man. Oh life.

I hate nights like this when thoughts of you keep me up at night. I know I have so much to do early in the morning and I can’t sleep, I’m trying anyways. I am wondering if “friendship” really is the best for us. You fought for it so I gave it to you. I know when it comes down to it I am going to hate hate hate when I see another girl by your side that is not me. Someone who will replace me and go all the places that we’ve been together. Would you show her all the things you showed me? What will happen to all the things I loved that still leave lingering memories in your house. These things I know I’ve left aren’t worth a lot but they meant a lot to me. My robe which I treasured, will it be used for someone else or have you already thrown it out? I know that I still have some lingering hair bands in odd-ends of the house and in your car; perhaps you still have my red lipstick I’m missing because I still can’t find it… I am secretly wishing your holding on to these things for if I come back someday but I know this is all in my psychotic head. These is no place for me there and my items are gone. I hope you don’t return them to me either because I think it will just cause me to go insane because it will remind me of you. I don’t need this right now. I want to sleep. Which also makes me wonder… If you have found a playmate to keep you company at night or you’ve already have someone else that catches you eye that’s better than me… Ugg, my mind frequently wanders to these dark places which I know is not healthy for me. I am numb. The pain isn’t as strong as it was about a week or two and I know it will be just a while longer till the pain completely subsides. The only thing I can do is ride out this storm.