I got over my chaotic episode with Rickey, which was actually rather easy, because I didn’t classify our “thing” as a relationship but more of a fling. I decided I wanted something more stable in my life. Someone responsible, who works hard, fun to be around and made me feel safe.
Chase and I started dating but it didn’t last long. Around three weeks we dated and then we ended it. I guess I liked the idea of dating him more than the actual thing itself.
We come from identical backgrounds. We come from military families with annoying Pilipino mothers, similar religious and political upbringing. (Except on the last two he is a little bit apathetic on) We know the same kind of people and socially it worked well. Everyone actually knew both of us because we were from the same social circle.
Here is why it didn’t work.
He never wanted to do anything other than watch movies. He would either take me to the movies or we would watch a movie at his house. He was so exhausted from work all the time and so was I. Our schedules were conflicting and so were our interests. It was sad but I had a “talk” with him and then we called it quits. It was nice while it lasted but I think it’s better off this way. I much rather be friends.
[edited, this post was not posted at current time shown but has taken place around this time]
Right before I went to work I was on my Facebook just checking on the regular updates people post and I noticed something. Rickey’s status went from “single” to “in a relationship” and the first thought that crossed my mind was “well, he isn’t in a relationship with me!” I was really frantic and tried to reach him multiple times though the phone with no response.
Throughout the day my anger was building up because I couldn’t reach him on any of my breaks. I left a message earlier that morning and I didn’t even get a text response which wasn’t helping my mood. I clocked out as early as I could and made sure that all my work was completed an hour before schedule for some down time. As soon as it was time to clock out I did and bolted out the door and at record time I drove to his house and was there by eleven pm. Internally I had fucking exploded like an atomic bomb and I rang his door bell five times. Guess who answered the door?
His girlfriend. She just gave birth barely two weeks ago who was currently holding their newborn in her arms. Guess what I did two weeks ago? I lost my virginity to her boyfriend at around the time she was probably in the hospital either about to be in labor or already was.
The only reason why I don’t totally feel like a slut was I didn’t know. I completely and entirely didn’t know and I felt like such an idiot for trusting that loser in the first place.
I went on Facebook that night and looked on Rickey’s page again. I see his girlfriend commented and said that “she was happy to be together and living with him again.” Wtf.
She messages me that night saying that “she didn’t appreciate me coming over in the late hour and waking up her children.” I apologized… I was at a loss for words. I asked for her permission to say my last goodbyes because I never want to see his face again and I have some questions that need answers.
She agreed on the condition that I could find out if he has cheated with anyone else, it was a done deal.
I had the whole thing recorded, secretly of course.
Rickey didn’t say much but I covered everything I wanted to say.
I let him know how hurt I was that I finally got around to trusting him and he blew my trust. I let him know he is disgusting for sleeping with me while she was giving birth to her second child and how much she needed you to be there for her and he wasn’t. How he is disappointing everyone around him, friends and family by his actions and not being responsible. That he is becoming exactly like the person he does not want to become, his father, who was never there in his life but if he was it was because he wanted something. I think the last one stuck out the most. I never screamed and cried so much in front of someone in my whole life.
I was really happy when it was all over that Chase was there to drive me home, I felt safe.
[edited, this post was not posted at current time shown but has taken place around this time]
Sorry I have neglected you for so long my dear Xanga. It has been so long since I have written on here. I have been meaning to get on here and write but I have been a combination of lazy and busy, AGAIN!
Here are some summaries in somewhat chronological order about different topics.
Let’s talk about mundane subjects like school first. College is good, met a lot of amazing and very un-amazing people. I could talk about all the cool people I met but I want to be straight to the point. My math is really holding me back from taking more classes each quarter but I am working hard to get a higher math accuplacer score. I am sort of envious of my classmate Jessica who is already in the LPN program and finished all the pre-requisites this summer. Well, I am still young and I have time on my side.
Also, it’s still a bummer I don’t have my drivers license but it’s a work in progress. I don’t know why I always get so nervous on the drive test! I really try not to and I hope that I pass soon, this is ridiculous!
Over the summer my mom found out about Jerry and I was in so much trouble. It wasn’t too scared, maybe because it happened before, this is the second time that she found out I had an internet boyfriend. It was embarrassing how she found out because it was though a dirty text message. Whatever, I am over it. Jerry and I are still together.
I had a lot of events over the summer. I went to Wild Waves with my Youth Group and I helped out with the Rummage Sale, sorta. The church has this scholarship for college thing at the very start of summer. I wasn’t angry that I didn’t win it but I was angry that these people who sucked up to get this award and people who I’ve never seen in my life won it, and the girl who was most active in the church got nothing at all when it was based off of how much you helped out in church, which personally made no sense! I don’t really care about church any more, I hate helping out there so I help out in the library more.
One of the big events I did at the library was the Teen Murder Mystery. It was so amazing because we set up crime scenes and there are people who play as suspects. What happens is they would investigate the crime scenes, then pull all suspects out for questioning, go back out to the scenes, switching back and forth narrowing down suspects by the evidence given. The story line was there was a murder that happened at the school play, that my character’s boyfriend was hanged. There are three or four crime scenes and each time they would call us out, the kids would interrogate us. The group of suspects consist of the girlfriend (me), the prop man, the student director, the rival ect. There was ten of us basically. Anyways, during the interrogation I panicked a bit under the pressure, the kids were so smart! Eventually they figured out I was the one who committed the murder and it was so funny because I did a epic fight with one of the other suspects who had an affair with my boyfriend. Haha! I love the library and I am so glad I made the choice to help out there. I am thinking maybe when I get my license that I could volunteer at this one mental health center in my area. That would be so interesting!
I don’t know when this happened but over the period I was away from blogging I’ve gotten into makeup quite a bit. When I was younger I thought makeup was fake and terrible. Now that I am older and since I have terrible acne (at least I think I do) I can use makeup to cover it up. AMAZING! I also like to play with colors and things like that. I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on how to put colors on properly and my first attempt at a serious look like a smokey eye was actually really good! Cathy is into makeup as well but she really puts me down about it. She buys all these designer brand makeups but doesn’t know how to use makeup at all. Although, I have cheaper makeup than she does I know how to use it very well, until I can go shopping for a new pallet. I know a lot about makeup actually, I would say I am an intermediate but not pro. I just keep doing what I am doing even though Cathy says everything I am doing is wrong, which isn’t true.
I can’t wait till Cathy is off to her fancy university so she can leave me the frick alone. I have established that I hate her. I am glad she is not dead but I am tired of her always bringing me down and forcing me to do the things she wants. She has insulted me far more times than any friend should. There is no subject she hasn’t covered; she’s talked about my friends, family and my lifestyle. It’s too much and I hate her trying to think like “she knows best” when only I should know what’s best for myself. She is trying to force me to go to the university that she is going to when I said a bajillion of times that I don’t want to and I am not going. I can’t wait till she leaves the sooner the better. She drives me nuts and I hope I don’t suddenly snap and blurt out how much I hate her before she leaves. There is still a year to go before she is gone. Ugg!!!
When I move out and it’s been a year since I distance myself away from everyone then I will open my Xanga again but until then it’s going to stay locked up.
Sorry everyone I have been a combination of busy and lazy to blog. I have a lot of school work but I have summer break coming up next week. I should be updating by then but until then, I am twittering. So add my there!
My best friend Cathy got her wisdom teeth removed quite a while ago. When a few days have passed, she talked to me saying how she felt nauseous and the left side of her body was going numb. I didn’t hear from her for a week but I thought she was just busy with school.
Later I found out, during her surgery she developed an infection because of unclean tools and a slightly rushed procedure. When she went to see the doctor, they just assumed that it was just the flu and sent her away. She went to another hospital and they told her she had a brain tumor and was rushed to a specialist clinic in Seattle right away.
They told her that it wasn’t a tumor but an infection in her brain but they had to do surgery quickly on her to prevent it her from dying. They removed as much of the infection as they could but of course the aftermath was difficulty moving her body.
When she had enough strength, she tried to call me and tell me what happened, she sounded so tired and very scared. I tried really hard not to cry, especially since I was trying to convince her everything was going to be alright. Her voice was so hard to understand because it was so raspy but I tried my best and told her I was going to visit her that weekend.
The first time I visited her was with a group of her friends. I was in shock to see the sickly condition she was in, she was all wired up and I could tell she was really weak. Since I was becoming a nurse I knew exactly how bad her situation was because I was able to understand the nurses’ notes on the small white board across the room. She was on strict monitoring even though she just got out of the ICU.
I was really happy to spend several hours with her because I knew she was just so terrified to almost die and the hospital is a very boring place to be. All of us kept talking to her about the things she missed and not to worry about homework but I could tell she was getting tired even though she enjoyed our company. We left our get well cards that we made on the way to the hospital, to remind her that we really care for her.
I was just so heartbroken when our time was up and we had to leave her, I thought I was going to cry right there. I could tell she was really unsure about her recovery and was scared she wouldn’t come home or see us again. I knew that if I just called her every day for however long she was able to talk, to encourage her not to give up; it would really help her out.
I visited her several times since then and I was really happy to know about her improvements almost every day. Her voice became gradually clearer and better to understand and physically she improved her movements each time I visited.
She was in the hospital for about two months trying to recover. She was able to get out a little earlier because her parents signed up for a program that lets her recover at home, now that her condition wasn’t as severe.
I was there the day she arrived home and I was so excited to see her! I was so glad she was able to make it though. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry that day but when she got home and her grandma saw her was so overwhelmed with emotion that she hugged her and cried so I started crying too.
I was so happy to see her relaxed and in her own house.
All of this made me realize that you never know when someone can be suddenly taken away from you. You should always use your time with someone wisely and that I clearly wasn’t. This shook me up enough try to make my friendship with Cathy much better.
I take back any unnecessary rambling I had about her in the past, I strongly regret saying them and I guess you really don’t realize what you have until its gone or almost gone in this case.
So I went to go see the guidance councilor about what classes I should take and the difference between a Licensed Practical Nurse (LPN) and a Registered Nurse (RN). She really helped me out about what a general overview of a four year course to become an RN looks like. Gosh, I really suck at math! I am determined to do my best though and I have to pull some really high grades to make it as a Nurse.
I haven’t talked about this in a while but I still need to finish my memory classes. They do work, don’t get me wrong. I have used the little that I did know to pass a few tests I’ve taken. It’s just that part of my learning style is getting feedback and confirmation of if I understand the information given. I’m weird, I know but that’s how I learn. Plus, my teacher said that you should make sure you do everything correctly because in the long run it can bite you back in the butt. Though, those weren’t his actual words because that would be unprofessional, that’s just my translation. I am going to attempt this stuff again but in the summer when I have so much time.
So for summer I am going to take a break from my education and work part time while enjoying the last bits of my youth with my friends. I was thinking if I get a part time job with someone while being on call, especially if I can drive I would be able to pay for my summer expenses. I want to use this summer to maybe also clean out the house. I know that sounds so boring but I truly wouldn’t do that the majority of the time. The first day of spring is soon so I am hoping to get a lot done for what I call “spring cleaning week” which obviously lasts seven days and starts on the first day of spring.
My license progress is rather slow. I am not a terrible driver and I already passed the written test and I took the drive test and I didn’t pass. I didn’t epically fail either but what made me mad was the lady who was grading me was writing stuff on her clipboard while I was checking my blind spots when it came to switching lanes and backing around the corner. I was also too nervous and I kept fidgeting when it came to backing around the corner and parallel parking. I did them but the lady said in a real life situation, you can’t do that. Also we drove on a crumbly road. When I made a right turn on a four way intersection my back wheel fell off the road because it was falling apart! I am not blaming anyone but next time I am going to try to be more confident when I drive. I’ve been practicing a lot since then so I hope it all pays off. All my friends tell me to take the test in this one town, not too far from here because it’s more isolated and the roads are nicer. Not that where I live doesn’t have nice roads but it’s all about passing and performing a good job.
I don’t talk to Cathy too much anymore, which is a good and bad thing. I really miss her and I’d really like her to be there with me when I am having all these epic and overwhelming changes in my life but if she can’t support me anyways, like I need, then I guess I have to deal with it. We have grown people with totally different points of view. We are both pretty headstrong in what we believe in so it’s pretty rare for either one of us to back down. It’s just so sad to see us distant from each other. On the lighter note I am being surrounded by likeminded people like myself who are encouraging, opened-minded, unique individuals that respect me and support me in whatever I do, someone like Michael.
Michael and I have been doing well on our new year’s resolution. We promised that we would hang out more because last year we only saw each other three times and as best buddies, that sucks. So far we have seen each other three times and the year has just begun. Speaking of which I have pictures of when we went ice skating together!
I haven’t talked about Jerry in forever! Let’s get caught up. Last time I remember writing about him was when Michael said he was here for support and I was like ok, let’s get this over with. The problem wasn’t Jerry but with myself. I kept beating up myself about something that I was concerned about but never spoke a word of it to the person who was affecting. So he straight up told me that if there is something wrong that I should just tell him and not keep it to myself. Since then I haven’t and I feel so much better and so he can know what he is doing to make me irritated and stop it. We have really great communication now I feel on the same page with him because now it’s two people sharing their emotions in the relationship and not just him.
Quick thanks to Theseus51 for motivating me for writing an entry. Well, life has been life. I have ups and downs and I usually have my blogs to vent. That’s why it seems like I am usually angry or depressed. I just want to let you know that I am truly not a moody person in real life; I am actually really calm because my Xanga keeps me pretty sane. I have this dilemma that I don’t like constantly venting towards other people because I may give out a wrong impression or something. I wouldn’t like to be seen as a complaining or gossiping person, so I keep my mouth shut most of the time and type it out. I do have people that I like venting towards but I find that it is best to type things down to keep record of my life in general and maybe people might get tired of what I have to say, who knows?
Life has been good! I am almost a Certified Nursing Assistant, I graduate on March 20th assuming that I pass the final exam. I am really thankful that Kristen reminded me of my original plan to go into health occupations because I forgot that this was what I wanted to do if I couldn’t find anything else. I would much rather be a banker but I don’t think that would have been the smartest thing to do during the economy. I did get a little bit discouraged during my classes because I felt my classmates were picking on me all the time, reminding me that I am tiny. When we had Lab we were practicing moving patients around with a gait belt and I couldn’t lift my partner who was pretending to be a patient, which made me feel out of place. I got over it because my teacher is pretty much as small as I am and most places have hoisters to lift patients. Another thing that got to me was, I was one of the youngest people in the class but also that I wasn’t married, had kids and/or wasn’t on welfare. I am glad because I rather not make stupid choices and worry about making a family until I am financially stable. When I am doing my clinicals I feel that time is short. The majority of the people at the rehab center is old and makes me think that one day I will be in their place. When I shared this with my classmates, they stared at me puzzled and asked “How old are you again?” and it doesn’t matter how old I am, I feel that time will always sip though our fingers and before we can grasp how much we’ve lost, it’s gone. Regardless, I think I should just keep my big mouth shut to my deeper thoughts.
I am enjoying the New Year; I have used my time productively and kept to my resolutions so far. I really like how far I have come in my life and I feel that I have so much more to go. I feel ahead in the sense that I am thinking ahead when it comes to the economy, by choosing a recession proof occupation but behind, in the sense that I need to work on my Math more. Unlike most of the people that Jamison says is in his G.E.D prep class, I am not going to avoid the truth and keep denying that I don’t need help. Like Jamison, I have accepted reality and I am going to face my weak points head on.
I’ve also started helping out at the library like I wanted to. I met this nice lady named Leigh Ann who is in charge of the events that goes on at the library. It’s great because there are so many things that I can do for her to help her out. She seems really thankful she has an older person like me to supervise the other kids.
I really love life though as I am writing this I am currently in a very bad mood. I really love school and it is better than I could have ever imagined. Everyone at the college is mostly mature and very nice. There is no more stereotyping and for the most part no drama. This is a place where people can take me seriously. It is like a breath of fresh air and no words can really describe how happy I am to be in a happier place.
I have already been though one week of school. There was a little bit of stress in the beginning because I didn’t have my text books. This is my first year of college so I told everyone to give me a break. Our school has its own book store so I wasn’t too worried. I was planning of waking up early to buy them. There was a huge storm the night before so school was delayed for two hours. I was able to calm down for a while and I told myself it was going to be alright. I just hoped we didn’t have to use our books on the first day. The delay was more of a blessing in disguise because it gave me the opportunity to walk around and figure out where everything is. After that I waited in front of the book store for only a few minutes and I was there right when it opened. Even more to my luck I was just standing looking at the books when a lady quickly helped me find exactly what I needed and I was out of there in no time ready to get to class. My pants and shoes were soaked the whole day but it was an inconvenience that didn’t bring down my mood. After my books everything was smooth sailing.
My class is really fun. The first day was getting to know everyone in the class and to be honest it was just games to me. Though the teacher was trying to make a point that as a nursing assistant you should be comfortable getting to know strangers and always be friendly. It also helped loosen the vibe of the room. After that first day it has been more serious, we learned mostly about AID’s and touched up on some other diseases. We also talked about CPR and I have a couple of tests coming up. I think I will be alright but I need to study hard tomorrow.
I think so far I am doing well and not attracting any stalkers. I can only hope that lasts.
I met this cute guy a couple days ago at lunch. He was messing with his Zune and I wanted to know if he was online. He was and I saw his Zune user name, it seemed normal for a guy nothing freaky or questionable. So when I was done eating I came up to him and asked if he wanted to swap music. He said sure, he is so cute but he isn’t from around here. His name is Travis and I don’t remember much more than that. I hope I see him again on Thursday.
I was talking to my buddy Michael recently about my problem with Jerry and finally, exactly what I wanted to hear from someone was “if you need emotional support, I’ll be there” which makes me feel more confident about breaking up with him. I don’t feel alone. Michael and I are hopefully going to hang out next weekend. Cathy was thinking of having a fondue party and sleepover thing but I much rather hang with Michael if the two happen to clash.
Today Cathy brought me down with my life goal plan but I am trying to stay strong. I am studying to be a Nursing Assistant, then work as one as I study as the next thing up which is LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) then get a job as that as I work to be a RN (Registered Nurse). Then do that as I figure out what I really want to do because these classes actually don’t take too long to do and I get a pretty good amount. This is just my fall back job because no matter where you go in life there will always be a hospital and people to help. I am thinking in the end I want to do Alternative Medicine and she said well becoming a nurse doesn’t help you get there. I need to start out somewhere right? She also says not to have such high expectations for my pay and I said that I don’t really care. I am going to study hard and try to get a job in this field. I am being optimistic and realistic. I pretty much won the discussion but I strongly dislike when she does this to me. Who is to say how much I will get paid? Just because Melissa’s mom is a nurse and she says they aren’t really hiring at the moment that is still just one hospital out of many.How come she always thinks my plans aren’t that great? Are hers better? She needs to stop dominating me and discouraging me. I know sometimes I may not be that smart but I will get there, one day. She or anyone isn’t going to stop me.
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