April 17, 2011
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Circle the Drain
My boyfriend and I broke up the other day and I am almost at a lost for words… almost…
I am terribly sad we ended up this way and words cannot express how much I loved him. I cared for him so deeply and I gave him all my love for the short time that we were together. I believed we had an almost instant connection, I wonder if he feels the same. We got comfortable with each other perhaps too fast but I wouldn’t have it any other way. How things unraveled very quickly was exciting and different from anything that I was ever used to. Learning from this I might never do that again with anyone else.
He exposed me to a life that is other than my own, a life that is not filled with rainbows and unicorns (so I’d like to say). A world that yes, not everyone is in the military and not everything is handed to them on a silver platter. That the world is a little bit more rugged outside my bubble and that life is a little bit more difficult. He made me put into perspective of how often people actually smoke stuff outside my bubble which is quite an interesting experience. Just to clarify I didn’t smoke anything.
Everyone says that it will be best for me to move on and everyone says I deserve better. Perhaps I do and I am rather stubborn, I loved him and I wanted to be with him but I do need to take care of myself because that is what’s best. I need to keep pushing forward in live and try to avoid the things that are holding me back…
Although I say this, my insides are screaming that I love him but my mind will shut my heart out soon enough. Haha, I know I sound like it’s emotional abuse to myself but one day I will love someone fully and entirely to where this does not happen and everything will feel right. I am just really scared of being trapped in an unfulfilling relationship?
I am really bad at coping with loss.
Right now my brain is into over drive replaying the memories I purposely saved into my brain over the course of our dating. Good memories… memories that would naturally play into my head at random to keep me happy when nothing is happening…
Here are a few lyrics that are best descriptive.
Thought that I was the exception,
I could have rewrite your addiction,
You could’ve been the greatest,
But you’d rather get wasted.I’m not sticking around to watch you go down.
Wanna be your lover, not your fucking’ mother.
Can’t be your saviour, I don’t have the power.
I’m not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain,You think you’re so rock and roll,
But you’re really just a joke.Had the world in the palm of your hands,
But you fucking choked
Should’ve been my team mate,
Could’ve changed your fate,
You say that you love me,
You won’t remember in the morning.–Circle the Drain – Katy Perry
