February 16, 2011
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Destroy The Virus
When I think of my past or even my past posts, I always return to my struggles with my mom and my freedom of expression. For almost my whole life I feel like my freedom of my thought expression has always been suppressed by my mom and my ex-bestfriend. I felt like every time I try to speak my thoughts would be automatically ridiculed. Growing up all I remember was crying any time I would try to talk to my mom about something important. I would avoid at all costs coming to her for any sort of help but when I did as a last resort she would always make me feel stupid for even attempting to come to her for help in the first place. When I wasn’t around my mom I used to be with (at the time) my best friend. They both would do the same exact thing.
I know this has taken a toll on me mentally because there is a strong wall that comes up when it comes to me expressing myself. The closer to me the topic is, such as, my career, my dreams or my papa (whom I love so much) I will stay away from those topics and if I do talk about them I get emotional. I think this is triggered by years and years of past reoccurrences with my self-expression. I guess I am already expecting rejection.
Both my mom and my past friend were very dominating people. My mom would always shut down or strongly discourage productive or positive actions. When I wanted to start working or talked about future plans on moving out she would just laugh and not say anything. Also, today when I was putting my makeup on in the mirror she just stared at me closely and laughed. The list goes on and on, I can look nice for the day and she will just look at me and laugh. My old friend only wanted me to hang out with her friends and she would never hang out with mine. She always had to have nicer things than me which was fine and always had things handed to her on a silver platter. Honestly and seriously, I didn’t mind but when I finally had my slice of the nicer things in life (which by-the-way, I worked for) she would care about what I would get?
Anyways, why am I bringing this up?
It’s affecting me and my personal life. My darling boyfriend is noticing that I have a couple of issues on how I approach things. I am having trouble communicating the important things that can make or break a relationship. Thankfully though, he is very patient and understanding and is willing to help me out. I explained to him how bad my emotional abuse is and that I am trying so hard to overcome them so it is not an issue. I’ve trying to fix myself for the past three years. The reason it wasn’t sooner was because this started so long ago when I was younger and I was easy to manipulate but I reached my breaking point and slowly started unraveling (in a good way) to the person I truly wanted to become. Keep in mind that although I have gotten rid of things that have been holding me down that I still live with my mother who is the main and strongest source of my anxiety.
My title reminds of of a moment in Digimon The Movie where the infected digimon points to himself because he wants the other digimon to destroy the virus. I feel like I have a mental virus and it’s time to heal.
Anyways, I just want to make my boyfriend happy and I want to be normal.
