February 15, 2011
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This Is The Last Of You
I have been meaning to write for soo long but oh how I procrastinate. I think instead overwhelming my readers with the millions of things I’ve been though… I figured it would be best to start off where I left off, with Cathy.
It’s been almost exactly a year since me and Cathy have not been friends. I remember around this time when it was getting very bad we were at a friend’s birthday party and I use events like these to date my memories. This was the last event we attended together…
Now after long hours on the toilet (which is the best place for deep thought) I want to explode on this page on everything I feel about Cathy to get it off my chest and I want to move on with my life into a much brighter and happier future.
There is a quote by someone (whom I can’t remember for the life of me) said something like, “when people say you’ve changed, you haven’t, you just became less of who they wanted YOU to be.” This quote generally describes most of what I am feeling.
Our ten year friendship ended abruptly over something stupid. Around the time our friendship ended I was putting more and more hours into work and at that time I was working about five or six days a week. During this period I was out-of-touch with anything and everything my friends and the world was doing. Cathy was getting frustrated that I supposedly didn’t remember she was at her business conference. First, I know she does forget who she talks to about what things, second, I don’t normally forget things like that and thirdly if I did I just need a second pleasant reminder because it’s not like it happens often anyways. This was part of the buildup.
Another contribution to the “buildup” was when I knew time she stopped listening to my conversations along the way. Yes, I know my talks about politics, philosophy and religion get very boring but not once did she let me know. I found this out when I would keep talking and she would just say “mhm” and I would pop in a simple question to see if she was truly listening like “what do you think about what I just said” she would say “mhm” followed by an awkward moment of silence and I would repeat myself. Epic fail.
When I told her how I felt and that I didn’t think she was listening to me and that I would like to discuss problems as they arise, I don’t think she was listening that time either. Shortly after, she started mocking me by saying “your not listening to me, your not listening to me, don’t you ever listen” which would obviously get on my nerves. That was my last and final attempt.
Our whole friendship is was really on-and-off and the only reason why I became friends with her last time was on the agreement we need to keep an open communication about things that bother us. That obviously wasn’t happening and something as simple as strong communication and working things out putting pride aside wasn’t working.
Yes I have contemplated talking to her after things cooled down a bit but I felt it wasn’t worth it. We’ve gone through years of going back and forth over the same things and never really fixing anything but suppressing it extremely until one or both of us exploded on each other. That is not the kind of friendship I want to take part in.
The defining moment in my brain that made me realize I have made the right decision was when I went to one of my friends birthday party. The party was great and everything but I couldn’t help but notice that the gift she gave happened to be the same gift I gave to her last Christmas. Now, before I had a job I couldn’t give that great of gifts but now that I do have a job I can give all the people I care about really nice things without having to go though my mom. Anyways, she gave my gift and didn’t even show the decency to wrap it for her or throw a card in there to show that she cared. The message I got was “fuck you and your gift” now I am not upset or holding a grudge against this. The only thing I have to say is that is totally two-faced when you say “it’s the thought that counts” but apparent it does not. I didn’t the money at the time to get her nice, fancy or expensive gifts but everything I ever gave her was my best I could honestly give. I did put a lot of thought into everything and worked with the best I had, I didn’t have any other choices. When was friendship defined by material things?
Honestly now, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone with “boxed ideas”. Her ideas were one-sided which I later found out when I got older are very flawed. For example, just because you went to a community college to get part of your degree doesn’t make you any better than someone who took the full run at a university (because you still get the same degree). How prestigious can you get when you take your core classes? English is English, math is math and history is history no matter where you go, the difference is the amount of money you spend.
I know Cathy looks down on me for going to a community college and possibly taking the working route while studying, instead of, taking the fastest route to get a degree but I’m alright with that. I know that the vigor of a working student far surpasses that of an average student because working students go through a greater sacrifice. The determination and stamina to not only put yourself though your own education while still paying your daily bills and attempting to keep up with some-sort of social life will give you more endurance and authority than that of an average person.
My rule of thumb : Work hard, play hard. Simply kick some ass.
Now that that was off my chest I an BREATHE!
