January 2, 2009
-
Corinthians 13:4
It’s 2009 and I am so pumped. I have started a tradition with myself to write down all of my resolutions and a check list of all the things I want to do for the year. Last year I thought was very amazing. I got so much work done and I feel like I am closer to where I belong. I learned in 2008 that you in the end, it is what makes me happy. Not so sound conceited but I have lived a life pleasing other people that didn’t seemed at all pleased when I went out of my way to help everyone, or as much people as I could. I have wasted so much time focusing on how to help other people I didn’t help myself progress in my own life. I have learned you can only help a person that wants help. You can never force help upon someone. So I feel as if I have just begun to live and it feels wonderful.
I will be starting college this Monday and I am so nervous. I think I need to run-down everything on my list to make sure I have everything. I am also wondering do I need to order a text book or something? Most classes have them and I don’t know if mine needs one.
Another thing I learned from last year is not to be overly nice to people because I tend to attract stalkers. I need to learn how to give someone the cold shoulder because I don’t need anything more to hold me down this year. I have actually cut out a lot of people who held me back in life from last year via MySpace, MSN, Aim excreta and it feels wonderful!
If I haven’t already said, I am no longer friends with Alex. I formally confronted him with my issues with him on why I don’t want us being friends. I don’t want to be biased and say I only hang out with certain religious people or beliefs but I find that with anyone who does witchcraft, satanic or any weird voodoo stuff has made weird stuff happen in my life. I no longer have this dark aura in my room; I got rid of it by not being Alex’s friend anymore. It is kind of funny looking back on it but when I was telling him about the dark presence in my room after and how I don’t appreciate him taping into my spirit energy, he offered to help by putting up barriers up for me when I said to knock this stuff off. Ha-ha!
Then I got rid of the sad depressing people who have no direction in life like Dan, Gabe and Sean. Who have very strong stalker vibes and can’t stop bugging me on MSN. Dan is the most depressing because he lives to date people and has defined himself with the people he dates so when they leave him he “loses a part of himself”. I tried to help him out for the two years that I’ve known him but I just gave up. There is nothing that I can say anymore that I haven’t already said. He doesn’t want to change for the better he just likes to think he is but doesn’t put any of the actions with those words. Whatever, regardless there will be no more timewasters in my life and fake people.
So let’s talk about Jerry. I feel really bad that I am keeping him from Cathy in a way but she will nag me about him so I kind of don’t either. I am reading this book called Blink which is pretty much talking about how most people know the answer to certain things but just prolong the truth for whatever reason. Like after a month of dating Jerry, regardless of our friendship in the past, I knew this isn’t going to work. I have a gut feeling about it. Now it is kicking in and it is getting worse. I was doing two things while dating Jerry, killing my conscious and saying everything is going to be all right in the end because he loves me while the other side was screaming saying this isn’t right, this isn’t what you want you’re just going back to what you have been repeating before. Snapping back to the more logical reasoning that isn’t tainted by blind love is Jerry may love me but I don’t think he truly knows what love is.
I find myself always coming back to this verse of Corinthians 13:4 and I found this written out in plain English. Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part; but when that which is complete has come, then that which is partial will be done away with. In the end, I will never really trust him so I will talk it out with him again. The thing that is holding me back is I want someone to talk to at the end of the day that loves me and cares for me. Maybe why I really didn’t break up with Jerry the last time I said I would is because I didn’t write about how I felt every time I wanted to say something. I was holding back writing about stuff in my blog because I thought I was being ridiculous, which I kind of am. I will at least talk him though everything this time, or try to and give a forewarning to my friends that I might need a little extra emotional support. This is the right way to go.
