June 21, 2008
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These Walls
Jerry is somewhat contradicting himself, he says things like what he wrote today but this is what I think of all of this so far. I think that I am in control of myself; if I don’t want to do anything sexual, then it won’t happen. If I am clear and strong on my choice nothing goes wrong. Maybe I am confusing Jerry by joking around like that maybe. I hate myself anytime I let joking go too far. I know I am selling myself short and losing my dignity that way. I shouldn’t be treated like that at all, and I believe people are treated the way let themselves be treated. This is a very controllable situation.
If he goes back on his word, by action I will leave him. Regardless of how hard it might be, or how much of an inconvenience it might be. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would never let myself be treated the way I was when I was with Tolden. Which was pretty much a piece of shit, which had no other purpose other than to serve as some sort of sick entertainment? I don’t roll like this, this is not me. This is not me at all!
I will not convince myself that I am in the wrong. I am never in the wrong when it comes to things like this. I never, ever, want to be that poor little girl who convinces herself that a situation really isn’t as bad as people thinks it is when it’s actually worse. Ever since Tolden I have never, ever, been blinded by love since. I’ve literally prevented myself from “falling” in love. I’ve actually put up the strongest wall that people can’t begin to comprehend.
I am not self-destructing, I’m certain is safe to say. I will let myself fall in love again once I know it is the right person, when I know for sure that they are honest and loyal. Not just to me but to everyone, so it’s consistent. It is hard to find someone now-a-days who is really true like that. Sometimes I am so screwed up with this sick perverted world.
Jerry says: honest im not really in the mood for making babies..my eyes hurt and i really don’t want to use my dingie
J-Anne says: haha seriously pook, me either
J-Anne says: but i still love you so its ok
J-Anne says: i know its complicated, making babies with you, but i hate myself everytime i acutally let myself go though with it… because i feel like i am lose my diginity…
J-Anne says: im going to shutup now
Jerry says: pook its ok *hugs* we can make babies when were married thats fine, to be honest i just like teasing you about it, not like making fun of you, just giving you a bad time, because i really don’t like to cyber OR to make you feel out of place..because the fact is, i do care about you and your feelings AND your values
J-Anne says: yeah, i am randomly speaking my mind and feelings for once, which i don’t normally do often at all unless i blog it but… i have trust issues… and i want to trust you pook entirely and yes it makes me feel good that you care but its hard… you know? i am trying
Jerry says: im glad we had this talk..since my eyes hurt im going to use that as an excuse to go to be early
Jerry says: goodnight pook
J-Anne says: kk night pook
On the positive note, Jerry and I haven’t really “done” anything to serious. It’s all talk and no action, though words does lead to actions and Jerry, for the most part is pretty considerate of me. Plus, I will remain a virgin till I am married because I am a hopeless romantic like that.
Jerry and I have been playing Pirates of the Caribbean Online together for a while now. It has been pretty fun. Cathy might join us when she has free time. I love the game, I am slightly addicted which is weird because I thought I lost my interest for MMORPG’s.
There is also a question Alex asked, which caught me entirely off guard. I don’t have an answer for it but maybe someone else will. The question is…
What is the point in having an online blog that you keep away from people you know, while letting people who don’t know you read it?
I don’t know how to word the answer to this question, I know why I do it but I can’t put it into words.
I was also madly debating whether to make this post private or not but I decided not to because I like what people have to write. Plus I feel like I am being more honest with myself by writing it somewhat out there. Also, sorry for the language used in this post, I felt that curse words properly described what I meant and I couldn’t find any other words to substitute them.
