October 8, 2007
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Milk Chocolaty Cluster Fucks
One of the worst feelings in the world is failing yourself and other people. There is so much pressure for me to act a certain way, and sometimes I ask myself are you really yourself anymore? I am so frustrated and stressed to the point I can literally pass out and throw up. Today was supposed to be a simply happy day to hang out with my friends, family and maybe catch up with my school but you know something simple can turn into a “cluster fuck”? -Dane Cook
Today Donald called, not knowing my mother was home and listening to the phone call he said something along the line of, I am so pissed I am going to come over and slit your fucking throat. I knew he was joking but on the other hand my mother did not, so she was screaming and I can tell she was really hurt by the tone of her voice. The words that Donald said keep repeating itself in my head even though this happened a few hours ago. I know that I will get yelled at later but that is not the point!
I shouldn’t tolerate this language from anyone and I haven’t made this clear to all my friends. So therefore this is my fault and I am beating the crap out of myself for this. Am I going to keep gaining and losing my trust with my mother like this? How long is this going to keep up until she won’t trust me at all? I don’t know but I am going to suck it up and work with it because that is the only option I have at this point.
I was happy I got to sleep over at Cathy’s house last night. We spent the night talking to this kid Jordan, from my Japanese class, Dan and Samuel. It was really weird but I got to know one of my classmates better. I am really silent in my Japanese class. My friend Hombee said I am going under the radar, trying not to attract attention. After the homecoming dance I will talk more, I just don’t want any more strange people asking me out.
Cathy won her school election; she is the sophomore treasurer now! Everything is going so well for her; I have to admit I am a tad bit envious. She also has the thing I want most, the perfect guy, smart, attractive and committed, just to name a few. I hope I meet him soon because I have been waiting for a long time and I don’t think I can wait for much longer. Even though I slept over at Cathy’s house she made me really sad a few days before that but I never told her. I don’t remember what she said entirely she was having one of those; “I’m superior” moments again.
I also made a promise to myself that I would never hold myself back in my blog no matter who reads it. That’s why my blog is very hush-hush.
