July 21, 2008

• The Bachelorette

  So over the past three days I screwed my life up and then got it in order again. Yeah, I know I can do some pretty gay things sometimes. Anyways, I got back with Jerry even though I swore I wouldn’t but the thing is I was blogging at around four am and talking to him, I did my daily routine of checking my MySpace right before I head to bed and in my truth box there was a message saying “I love you very much pookie, and want you back ” is what it said. That was obviously from Jerry and since it was four AM in the morning then, almost anything sounds like a good idea. So I got back together with him and woke up the next morning regretting what I just did, though I don’t have that much courage to tell him that I wasn’t thinking straight. I hate hurting people especially over the dumb choices I make. Plus I ended up doing a lot of really stupid things the first day we got back together, that I totally regret. It made me feel like I’ve gone back to zero, again.
  
  The following piece of information would have helped me out a long time ago, and would have prevented me from making any future stupid mistakes. Well, when I was watching the bachelorette there was something that struck me that I may remember for the rest of my life. I have no idea why I was so drawn to this season of the bachelorette, all the shows are cliché so there is no point watching but I have seen this all the way though. The two final remaining guys were between Jesse and Jason. These two were so entirely different Jesse is really reckless, wild and not well put together. On the second to the last episode even her father noticed that. Then there was Jason, successful, well-rounded, well put together kind of guy, who is mature and ready to start a family. Someone she said she was originally looking for at the start of the show. He was really direct and honest when he met her family, her family loved him and he got her father’s blessing, on the other hand Jesse did not. Her father really drilled Jesse though, talking about what do you do for a living, which was snowboarding and how would that provide for a family. What would happen if he got old and was not able to snowboard anymore and no longer provide for his family anymore and other things like that. You can obviously tell Jesse did not have anything put together. Plus, I feel Jason truly loved her and Jesse thinks he does, but is probably just infatuated with her.
  
  When she actually came down to choosing one over the other, I could have swore she was going to pick Jason but when I glanced at the television screen because I was half on the computer at the time, I see her saying sorry, I’m so sorry. That’s when I started screaming at the television because I was wondering what the freak is she doing? What on earth is she thinking? The ending wasn’t as happy as it was supposed to be, it didn’t feel right at all. As Jason was taken away in the limo and he was sharing what he thought about the situation. I got this quote word-for-world. “She wants safety and security and once you have safety and security you want to live on the edge, and then once you live on the edge you want to go back to your safety and security. The best person is both, the one who has them all. I thought I did. I think I do. God I want to fall in love. I’ve had this huge hole in my heart now for years… I just got hurt again. I’ve had up body armor since my wife left me. I thought it was coming down. Now it’s up. The only for sure thing I have is my little boy.”
  
  What Jason said, really got to me. I want to never be in that situation where I end up turning away someone I really want for someone I think I want. This reminds me of an optical illusion, its all tricks and stuffs. You have to see past them, understand them and work your way through them. So you don’t get tricked into something you’ll regret.

  • 5:25 am
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