January 13, 2012
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Fucked Up
It’s been almost two weeks since we broke up. I don’t understand how I could have been so attached to something that was so horribly wrong for me in every way. How come love can’t fully be understood? I find it funny that I feel so alone in this situation even though everyone has gone through this experience before. Why is it that I want you so bad. Why do I have this addiction to you, it’s unhealthy. I haven’t felt like myself in such a long time because my self esteem is so heavily damaged. I feel so panicked and insecure about my self worth. Am I even worth anything? I don’t understand how you could make me feel so useless in our relationship when I have continually pushed myself beyond my limits. I showed you and proved I loved you in every way. In the end you’ve sucked me into your own insecurities. How come I couldn’t be good enough for you when I was there every time you needed me. You had so much shit throughout your life and I was there to comfort you and love you. I stopped my life for you, I consistently put you as my #1 even before my own life, my friends and my family. I spent so much time and even more money to make sure you’d always be ok and put my needs aside. Was this not good enough? You get sick several times a month and I’m there for you but when I got hit with the flu all my friends were with me except you. You were all that I wanted and needed at that very moment. You say things like, I didn’t know you needed me but how in the hell can you say that to me when I’m never sick. Am I not worth visiting? Am I honestly just a pain in your ass hole? You didn’t even call to check up on me or made me feel better. In all honesty this waiting, wishing, hoping and praying madness is killing me. You make me run around in stupid endless circles looking like an ass for everyone to see. I can’t stand that I’ve looked like an idiot for so long. I honestly honestly think I was kept around for a good fuck because it seems to add up to the other fucked up shit you put me through. I don’t know how the hell you made me spend so much gas money just to see your ass. How the hell can you be so cruel to have me go through a fucking long sixteen hour shift at work and thirteen hour long school day to see you, fuck you and you expect me to have this bountiful burst of energy when its all said and done. Fuck that. I was fucking tired and the fact you try to force me out of your bed after a long day and especially after I used the last of my energy to make love to you is total bullshit. How dare you drive me into the ground and keep me there like a submissive bitch. I’m not submissive and I ain’t your bitch. How the fuck can you treat me like a hoe when I am the first person you dated who can actually hold down a damn job and has a future. After all my resources are fucking dry and in the hole you say I am the one who is high maintence!? Fuck you and all your demanding piece of ass shit. Fuck. Your. Shit. Fuck your life that is spinning around endlessly to no where. Fuck the fact that you killed my lungs with your damn cigarettes and your pot smoke. I hate that smell, smells like ass wipe. If your wondering why your such a broke ass those are your two main problems, not me. I don’t know why the hell I put up with all your shit and in the end I still loved you. I do not know why till this day but what I do know is this is a great example of what I don’t want. I do not want another person like you or similar to you in my life at all. My ego is just severely bruised right now because I put in my best effort to hopefully get a good result and it went to shit. I hope you find whatever the perfect piece of ass is by your standards because it honestly does not get any better than this.
Now I can sleep.
For those reading, I hope you get a good laugh because I wrote this from the bottom of my heart to get some kicks and giggles.
